People of Earth,
Your current Presidential candidates have failed me for the last time. Newt Gingrich is promising you a Moon Base by 2020, rather than a moon-sized laser that can destroy planets. Mitt Romney has vowed not to “light his hair on fire” just to rally the conservative base, whilst I have actually been on fire. In lava. Rick Santorum’s campaign has shown a “darker” side recently with his ‘Obamaville’ apocalypse advert, whereas I have actually gone to the Dark Side and authorised the apocalypse of Alderaan. And the less said about Obama’s failure to “change” America into a country that proudly builds AT-ATs the better. I have no choice. As of today, I am announcing my candidacy for the Presidency of the United States of America. I AM your future President.