Tag Archives: Han Solo

11 Ways You Can Celebrate Star Wars Day

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May the 4th be with you! 

Yes, Star Wars Day, May the 4th, is here once again. The day that we celebrate one of the greatest stories ever told, a story that has captured the hearts and minds and money (soooo much money) of countless fans for over thirty years. Apart from the bits with Jar Jar Binks.

But it also presents a problem for fans of the films who don’t live in a galaxy far, far away: how do you satisfactorily celebrate the occasion? Worry not humans, Death Star PR has the answer. Here are 11 easy ways you celebrate Star Wars Day.

11. Kidnap a Princess and blow up her planet

This one should be a cinch but on the off chance you don’t have easy access to a Princess and/or a planet destroying super weapon, try thinking outside the box: substitute “Princess” for “that snooty girl who lives down the street and always ignores you when you stare adoringly at her through the cafe window” and “planet” for “setting fire to her car”.

10. Tell Luke You’re His Father

This is a classic Star Wars joke that never, ever gets old. Every time you meet, speak to, or hear of someone called Luke today, tell them: “I am your father. Search your feelings, you know it to be true.” If you happen to have some kind of laser sword (or katana blade, axe, etc in a pinch) and a reactor shaft handy, the rest of this scene just writes itself.

9. Do not try

Kids, in the immortal words of Yoda, “Do, or do not. There is no try.” Really, this is just another way of saying, “Don’t bother trying”. So for today, take a load off. Chillax. If not bothering to do stuff is good enough for Yoda, it’s good enough for you too. Stuff sucks, anyway. And don’t even get us started on things.

8. Use the Force

Don’t pretend you haven’t “used the Force” to open automatic doors. Everybody has. Well today’s your chance to revel in it; really just do it continually all day long. Try and levitate everything with your mind, or Force push/pull things towards.away form you.

Also strongly encouraged: trying to Force choke annoying family members/co-workers/customers.

7. Have an Epic Lightsaber Battle

If you think about it, what makes a lightsaber battle EPIC isn’t just having a super cool laser sword that cuts through almost anything while going, “SchwmmMMM!” (which, okay, is PRETTY FRIGGING COOL), it’s the 47 minute duel across a variety of exotic, increasingly dangerous locales. Start your toy lightsaber fight in the house, take it out to the street, through the traffic, fall on to the top of a passing truck, then roll off that in to a busy factory that, if you’re lucky, will be full of molten lava. FUN!

6. Find the Droids We Were Looking For

We’ll be honest, our Stormtroopers kind of dropped the ball on Tatooine but that doesn’t mean you can’t make up for their mistakes. How, you ask? Any time today you see anything mechanical that could even in the loosest possible sense be described as a robot, point to it and exclaim, “Look! That’s the droid we were looking for!”

5. Do Jedi Mind Tricks

As much as we hate to admit it, Jedi mind tricks do work, it’s just most people don’t have the patience required to make it happen. The trick to a Jedi mind trick is this:
1) Think about what you want the other person to believe.
2) Wave your hand as you say it to them.
3) Say it another one hundred times.
[Or at least, as many times as it takes to wear the other person down and make them give up and either agree with you or go away because THEN YOU WIN.]

4. Get Cocky

Although not generally noted for his advice giving, Han did have one great tip for  Luke when he said, “Great, kid. Don’t get cocky.” The utter irony of this comment coming from the galaxy’s cockiest cock makes it a must that you get cocky on Star Wars Day. Do this by saying, “I know” any time someone tells you anything, e.g.
Co-worker: ”I’m going to get lunch.”
You: ”I know.”
Co-worker: ”Probably sushi.”
You: ”I know.”
Co-worker: ”So… do you want to come, or what?”
You: ”I know.”
Co-worker: ”I’m going now.”
You: ”I know.”

3. Get your Imperial March on

We’ll let you in on a little secret. There is one, incredibly easy, surefire way to go from complete loser to total badass in under five seconds: put John William’s “Imperial March” on your mp3 player of choice, crank the volume to full, hit ‘Play’ and then stride down the corridor, street, etc. For even greater badassery, play it on a boom box and make a lackey scurry after you holding it. Cape optional.

2. Do the Ackbar!

Remember that classic movie moment in Return of the Jedi when Admiral Ackbar realises that, “IT’S A TRAP!” For today only, you are promoted to the rank of Admiral. Your primary responsibilities include: trap detection and yelling about detection of said traps. Here’s what you need to know: EVERYTHING IS A TRAP. EVERYTHING. You should, nay, must, shout, “IT’S A TRAP!” at pretty much everything that happens today.

1. Shoot First

This one’s simple: go first at absolutely everything. Think your boyfriend might want to break up with you? DROP THAT DOUCHEBAG IMMEDIATELY (even if he’s actually really kind of nice and probably wasn’t even thinking about breaking up with you yet – he would have eventually!). Normally let kindly little old ladies go in front of you on the check out line? NOT TODAY, YOU OLD BAG. This applies to waiting rooms, board games, toilet stall queues, and ESPECIALLY conversations.

Bonus: Kiss Your Sister

OF COURSE this is a trap. Rebel sickos.

The Best (and Worst) Star Wars Valentine’s Day Messages

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It can be hard trying to figure out that special something to say to that special someone, particularly if you are a rage-filled Sith Lord with trust issues (and let’s face it, who isn’t?). But fear not, Sithizens! As usual, like on every other holiday known to mankind (and some that aren’t) Star Wars has the solution for you. Here are some of the best (and worst) Star Wars Valentine’s Day messages and greeting cards from around the interwebz.

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Now You (Kind of) Can Really (Kind of) Be Encased In Carbonite (Kind of)!

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Who didn’t want to be Han Solo while they were growing up? The cocky attitude, the remorseless murdering of aliens in bars and getting away scott free, the angry space bear sidekick, the tempestuous relationship with the feisty Princess who based on the evidence could possibly be the only human female in the galaxy — the guy had it all.

Of course, that’s almost forgetting the coolest thing about being Han Solo – the bit where he said “I know” to Princess Leia and was encased in Carbonite by Bounty Hunter Boba Fett.

Now thanks to the wonders of modern technology and mass consumerism, you too can have the full Han Solo experience and have yourself encased in Carbonite. Or at least, the 8″ action figure version of yourself.

All you need to do is attend Star Wars Weekends at Walt Disney World in Orlando. And call ahead to make a reservation first. And be prepared to fork out $100 per figure. And because we’re reporting it late you only have until June 16th to do it.

So it turns out most of you probably won’t be able to really be encased in Carbonite after all. Life is full of disappointment, isn’t it?

Via Topless Robot.

Retro Wars

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Greetings, Sithizens!

Because we care and want you to celebrate Star Wars Day, May the 4th, in style, we have new t-shirts available in our store:

http://deathstarpr.spreadshirt.com/

Retro Wars
A long time ago (in the late 1980′s) in a galaxy (not very) far, far away…

Available in Mens and Womens sizes, or purchase the design and place it on an item of your choosing.

Take the Sky
Forget Captain Mal, Jayne Cobb or the rest of the Serenity’s crew of criminals and misfits. Our Firefly-inspired tee celebrates the REAL heroes: the Alliance.

Available in:
Mens – Black and white text.
Womens – Black and white text.
Or purchase the design in black or white and place it on a product of your choice.

Remember When Han Solo Was Cool? Not Anymore You Don’t.

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Whether you loved Empire or Return of the Jedi, like Ewoks or want to club them to death and knit their fur into a nice sweater, think Jar Jar was “fun” or believe that people who think Jar Jar was “fun” must have a “severe brain impairment”, there’s one thing all Star Wars fans can universally agree on: Han Solo is frigging cool.

From the moment we first saw him murdering Greedo without any provocation, we knew that Han was a total badass. Ruggedly handsome, with a devil-may-care attitude and a cocky swagger, it was obvious that Solo (and his angry space bear sidekick/life partner) did things his way and would always look out for number one.

You knew exactly what Luke (whiny orphan farm boy with magic destiny), Leia (damsel in distress) and Obi-Wan (wise mentor/kind of a dick most of the time) were about. But old Han kept you guessing right up until the end of A New Hope when he swooped in and saved the day and got a medal for participating in exactly 0.002% of the battle.

Plus there’s the endlessly quotable one-liners like, “Boring conversation anyway” and “Never tell me the odds!” and “It’s not my fault!” and “How good does my hair look today beeteedubs?”

And of course it didn’t hurt that we could all see (well, besides Luke) the obvious sexual tension simmering between Leia and Han, which culminated in her confession of love and his legendarily douchey reply, “I know.”

Right about now your heart’s just about full to bursting with happy Han memories, isn’t it? Great! Now watch this clip of Han dancing to “I’m Han Solo” from the “Galactic Dance-Off” section of Kinect Star Wars:

After the first “Trash Compactor” you’re beginning to get worried. We DARE you to still think Han is awesome by the time you get to the “Double Blaster”. Good luck not weeping openly for your lost childhood once you get to the “Solo Pose”.

The problem is, this game MAKES NO SENSE WHATSOEVER. WHAT POSSIBLE REASON would Han, Leia and Lando have for dancing in clubs filled with Stormtroopers and Imperial Officers? Why would Han ever dance at all? Why didn’t Return of the Jedi feature an actual striptease by Princess Leia? It will literally hurt your brain just thinking about it.

Oh, and just in case you thought Boba Fett was cool too, watch from around the 1:10 mark:

There are no embarrassing dance videos of Darth Vader or Emperor Palpatine. Absolutely none. So don’t search for them. Because there are definitely 100% not any. At all.

Via Kotaku.

So the Star Wars XXX Porn “Parody” Film is a Thing That’s Happening

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Note, this trailer is SFW:

Yesterday saw the release of the trailer for the new Star Wars XXX: A Porn Parody and the immediate question on the PR team’s lips was, “Why?” Obviously there are many people who enjoy Star Wars and many who enjoy pornography and probably a few who would be vaguely interested in seeing the two together, but there are several reasons why we have a bad feeling about this.

Firstly, the film is supposedly a “parody”. A ‘parody’ is “a humorous or satirical imitation of a serious piece of literature or writing.” Except that there wasn’t a single line or event or moment that even vaguely hinted at anything even approaching “humour”. Like a Stormtrooper shooting at Rebels, the preview misses every possible opportunity provided by the original film to be funny, such as the numerous classic Star Wars quotes that could be easily inserted into a porn film, like Han’s “Great, kid. Don’t get cocky” or “Great shot, kid, that was one in a million!”

Secondly, the special effects look great, which isn’t entirely surprising given that the film has, by all accounts, the biggest budget ever for a X-rated spoof. The opening shot from the trailer could probably even pass for the original film at a glance. And the CGI R2-D2 and C-3PO look pretty good too. But here’s the thing, why the Force did they bother? IF I WANTED TO WATCH A FILM THAT LOOKED ALMOST AS GOOD AS STAR WARS I WOULD JUST WATCH STAR WARS.

Once you’ve finished being dazzled by the special effects and the trailer’s complete lack of comedy, you might also notice that something else is utterly absent: sex. Are we missing something, or do porn film’s traditionally feature sex of some variety or other? Whilst we’re clearly against turning a beloved family film into a porno, if you’re going to bother doing it, shouldn’t it at least have some, you know, sex in it? Or even just sexiness? Or are porn parodies these days just about doing shot-for-shot remakes of films using terrible actors? Because if so, nailed it.

Exactly who is having sex in this movie? Assuming that the filmmakers aren’t going to make the brave decision to “Captain Jack” the thing and have everyone have sex with everyone, or at the very least tell the true tale of forbidden outerspace love between man and Wookiee that is “Brokeback Falcon”, that leaves exactly two female characters: Aunt Beru (shudder) and Princess Leia. And just in case you’ve forgotten, the main male characters (apart from Luke and Han) consist of:

  • a quadruple amputee cyborg who most likely had his private parts melted off in lava;
  • the bearded 60-year old virgin;
  • an aggressive bipedal space bear; and,
  • two closeted droids in an unacknowledged committed relationship.
DOES ANYBODY REALLY WANT TO WATCH ANYONE ON THIS LIST HAVE SEX WITH ANYONE?! REALLY?!!!

So is Leia going to sleep with everyone in the entire film? One incredibly disturbing scene in the trailer seems to suggest that Darth Vader has a scene with the Princess, HIS DAUGHTER. Assumedly there will also be the inevitable Twincest scene between Luke and Leia. Will she also do it with Chewie because, if so, don’t we have laws against that sort of thing?

“But they’ve cleverly turned some of the traditionally male characters into females, like there are female Stormtroopers and X-Wing pilots now! So they can have sex! HA!” we hear the avid Star Wars XXX A Porn Parody fans say. Fair point, alarmingly passionate fans of an unreleased porn film, but allow us to counter with this question, “Who actually cares?” SURELY there cannot be a huge number of people out there who are DYING to see Stormtroopers or X-Wing pilots make out, can there? Probably there’s some horrendous fan fiction about it somewhere on the internets along with all of those cat photos, but is the demand REALLY that big that it’s worth making a multi-million dollar film for?

In summary, if you are going to make a parody film, make it funny. If you are going to make a porn film, make it porny. And if you’re going to make a Star Wars parody porn film, don’t. Just don’t.

 

Oh Elder gods, it’s going to make hundreds of millions of dollars, isn’t it?