Imperial March is almost over here in the Galactic Empire and we’ve been busy celebrating with a month of flying around to various planets and
threatening to invade/blow them up enjoying a series of completely unforced and unexpected tributes to Emperor Palpatine and the Galactic Empire.
But fear not, Earthians, just because March is drawing to a close doesn’t mean you don’t have enough time to celebrate it in fine Imperial style. Here are a few easy things you can do:
Wear a giant helmet
It is impossible to get into the spirit of Imperial March without going big in the helmet department. You literally cannot go too big here. Fashion it out of a watermelon, or a bucket, or even a bath tub. The important thing is, make it enormous. Anything that doesn’t hit the people next to you in the elevator at work is ridiculously undersized.
Become a TIE Fighter
It’s probably unrealistic to expect that you’re going to enter and graduate from the Imperial Academy and then make it through the many years of gruelling physical and psychological conditioning in the Imperial Navy required to become an actual TIE Fighter pilot before the end of the month. It’s okay though, we have an alternative: get dressed up in a stylish tuxedo and bow tie, and then beat the crap out of your friends, Fight Club-style! It won’t improve your life in any way (and may indeed lead to some pretty severe head trauma) but at least you won’t remember how much you hated the Prequels anymore!
And yes, that IS Justin Bieber getting beaten up in that picture. You’re welcome.
Being an Imperial Officer takes guts, determination, and the ability to totally ignore the fact that your workmates/superiors are being horribly murdered right next to you from a distance by a magical cyborg, whilst you carry on about your business. Remember: avoiding or ignoring other people’s misery and misfortune is the number one way to succeed in life!
Turn your van into one of these
Basically, if you haven’t converted your car into an AT-AT yet, you’re wasting your life.
Eat exclusively Empire-shaped (and approved) food
Low GI, soy-based, gluten-free sad foods are off the menu during Imperial March. Instead, you MUST, on pain of giant laser, consume ONLY foods that are Empire-shaped, themed and/or approved, e.g.
Death Star cakes (via BTP Blog)
Play the Imperial March everywhere you go
With the Imperial March as your theme music, we guarantee that even a quick walk to the bathroom after a bad decision lunchtime burrito will be the most badass thing anybody has ever done in the history of anything.
Crush the Rebellion
Okay, so singlehandedly stopping a galaxy-wide terrorist organisation inside of a week might be a bit of a tall order but the journey of crushing a thousand Rebels underneath your AT-AT’s gargantuan footpads begins with a single step. In other words, start small. First, know your enemy. We classify a Rebel as “anybody who we don’t like, or who is different to us, or expresses any kind of disapproval of our choices/actions/ideas”. Once you’ve figured out who in your life falls into that category, simply destroy their lives by any and all means possible. It’s easy AND fun!
Or, you know, just orchestrate an intergalactic space war and build a Death Star to keep everyone in line. Whatever’s easiest.