Who didn’t want to be Han Solo while they were growing up? The cocky attitude, the remorseless murdering of aliens in bars and getting away scott free, the angry space bear sidekick, the tempestuous relationship with the feisty Princess who based on the evidence could possibly be the only human female in the galaxy — the guy had it all.
Of course, that’s almost forgetting the coolest thing about being Han Solo – the bit where he said “I know” to Princess Leia and was encased in Carbonite by Bounty Hunter Boba Fett.
Now thanks to the wonders of modern technology and mass consumerism, you too can have the full Han Solo experience and have yourself encased in Carbonite. Or at least, the 8″ action figure version of yourself.
All you need to do is attend Star Wars Weekends at Walt Disney World in Orlando. And call ahead to make a reservation first. And be prepared to fork out $100 per figure. And because we’re reporting it late you only have until June 16th to do it.
So it turns out most of you probably won’t be able to really be encased in Carbonite after all. Life is full of disappointment, isn’t it?
Whether you loved Empire or Return of the Jedi, like Ewoks or want to club them to death and knit their fur into a nice sweater, think Jar Jar was “fun” or believe that people who think Jar Jar was “fun” must have a “severe brain impairment”, there’s one thing all Star Wars fans can universally agree on: Han Solo is frigging cool.
From the moment we first saw him murdering Greedo without any provocation, we knew that Han was a total badass. Ruggedly handsome, with a devil-may-care attitude and a cocky swagger, it was obvious that Solo (and his angry space bear sidekick/life partner) did things his way and would always look out for number one.
You knew exactly what Luke (whiny orphan farm boy with magic destiny), Leia (damsel in distress) and Obi-Wan (wise mentor/kind of a dick most of the time) were about. But old Han kept you guessing right up until the end of A New Hope when he swooped in and saved the day and got a medal for participating in exactly 0.002% of the battle.
Plus there’s the endlessly quotable one-liners like, “Boring conversation anyway” and “Never tell me the odds!” and “It’s not my fault!” and “How good does my hair look today beeteedubs?”
And of course it didn’t hurt that we could all see (well, besides Luke) the obvious sexual tension simmering between Leia and Han, which culminated in her confession of love and his legendarily douchey reply, “I know.”
Right about now your heart’s just about full to bursting with happy Han memories, isn’t it? Great! Now watch this clip of Han dancing to “I’m Han Solo” from the “Galactic Dance-Off” section of Kinect Star Wars:
After the first “Trash Compactor” you’re beginning to get worried. We DARE you to still think Han is awesome by the time you get to the “Double Blaster”. Good luck not weeping openly for your lost childhood once you get to the “Solo Pose”.
The problem is, this game MAKES NO SENSE WHATSOEVER. WHAT POSSIBLE REASON would Han, Leia and Lando have for dancing in clubs filled with Stormtroopers and Imperial Officers? Why would Han ever dance at all? Why didn’t Return of the Jedi feature an actual striptease by Princess Leia? It will literally hurt your brain just thinking about it.
Oh, and just in case you thought Boba Fett was cool too, watch from around the 1:10 mark:
There are no embarrassing dance videos of Darth Vader or Emperor Palpatine. Absolutely none. So don’t search for them. Because there are definitely 100% not any. At all.
