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A long time ago in a basement far, far away from the Throne Room… DEATH STAR PR Episode I – 99 cents ALDERAAN REASONS It is a period of civil war. The benevolent GALACTIC EMPIRE have recently unveiled their … Continue reading
The White House’s “We the People” platform allows people to post petitions, promising to respond to any that that get more than 25,000 signatures. Most of these petitions are undoubtedly created by kooks or cranks, calling for crazy things like, “allowing Texas to withdraw from the USA”, “recounting the election”, “allowing individual states to regulate marijuana as they see fit” and even “mandatory labelling of genetically modified foods”.
But one petition, created by a visionary and, dare we say it, PROUD AMERICAN is using this system to do something actually worthwhile: s/he is calling for the US Government to “Secure Resources and Funding and Begin Construction of a Death Star by 2016″.
According to the petition: “By focusing our defense resources into a space-superiority platform and weapon system such as a Death Star, the government can spur job creation in the fields of construction, engineering, space exploration, and more, and strengthen our national defense.”
We’ve been proposing the idea of a Death Star for America for over a year now and we’re glad to see our message is finally catching on.
But let’s cut to the chase. America, you NEED this Death Star, and here’s six reasons why:
1) It will make a stylish addition to your planet. Right now, Earth is one of those BORING one moon planets. Just think how much cooler it will be to have a second, EVEN SHINIER moon to look at. You will be the envy of all the other lifeless planets in your solar system.
2) A building project of this magnitude will inspire your planet to greatness. You will be united by a common cause and common goals as every country on Earth gives their money and manpower towards helping you construct your Death Star, because if they don’t, you’ll aim it at them once you’re finished.
3) As the petition said, constructing a Death Star will stimulate the economy, providing work for millions of engineers, construction workers, plumbers and electricians, to name but a few, not to mention the countless jobs that will be created in the mining and manufacturing industries. As an added bonus, there will also probably be plenty of opportunities for slave labourers further down the line.
4) You already have an international space station but admit it, it’s totally LAME. It doesn’t even fire any lasers at anything. Time to upgrade.
5) What better way to bring peace to all of mankind than to build a gigantic death laser that can instantly blow mankind to pieces? Seriously, who is going to mess with you when you can explode their family, friends, home and even their precious collectible DVD Box Sets? No one, that’s who.
6) If you’ve ever watched a movie, you probably know that the greatest threat facing mankind right now isn’t global warming, it’s ALIENS. AND GIANT METEORS. AND POSSIBLY GIANT ALIENS HIDING IN EVEN GIANTER METEORS. We’re not “Doctor History” or anything, but we’re fairly certain that’s what took out the Dinosaurs. But the Dinosaurs would still be here today, using you all as delicious entrees, if only THEY’D had the vision and opposable thumbs required to build a Death Star to defend their planet. The point being, a movie with Dinosaurs fighting aliens would be AWESOME.
In conclusion, America, you can’t live in the past forever. The Stars and Stripes are so yesterday. Step into tomorrow. It’s great here. Sure, the air is a little bit toxic but everyone has lightsabers! Approve this petition. Begin building your own Death Star. Embrace the Death Stars and Stripes and the Death Star-Spangled banner. It’s time.
If you enjoyed this post, why not meet the team behind it? View the trailer for the upcoming Death Star PR Web Series and the teasers for the PR Team’s members: Wilson, Green and Sharpe.
The Galactic Empire has been getting a bad rap.
They’re here to set the record straight.
Praise for Death Star PR the web series:
“… Brilliant. Bold. Hilarious. Moving. A triumph.” – This website.
“The greatest Star Wars story ever told.” – Wilson, Head of PR.
“Another Star Wars parody? I’m going to blog my outrage about this immediately!” – Some guy on the internet.
“I’m kind of Force choking someone right now. Can you ask me later?” – Darth Vader.
Ever wondered why Luke Skywalker and Han Solo got a medal for destroying the Death Star, but when the Galactic Empire blew up Alderaan they were suddenly “the bad guys”? Or why Darth Vader was the “Master of Evil” when Obi-Wan lied about pretty much everything ever and cut off his own best friend’s arm and legs?
To help answer these questions and more, the Galactic Empire have unleashed their ultimate weapon: no, not the Death Star; their PR Team. Because you might be able to win a battle by blowing up a planet or two, but you win the star war by winning the hearts and minds of the Galaxy.
For two years, the Death Star PR team have been hard at work on Twitter, Facebook and www.deathstarpr.com. Now you can see them in action in “Death Star PR” the “Star Wars” parody web series that follows Wilson, Sharpe and Green as they attempt to clear the Empire’s bad name… and avoid getting Force choked to death in the process.
How many episodes are there?
Six. Every great saga should have six episodes. Then, later, numerous Special Editions, cinematic re-releases, books, comics, etc.
When can I watch it?
The series will be available to view for a fee on www.deathstarpr.com from 12 December 2012, or, assuming you survive the coming apocalypse, on YouTube sometime in 2013.
What is this “fee” you speak of?
Viewers will have the option of paying to view per episode ($0.99) or for the entire series of six episodes plus the behind-the-scenes video ($2.99). Once you have paid, you can view the episode/s as many times as you like.
Why is there a fee?
Building Death Stars isn’t cheap. Neither, as it turns out, is creating a web series. Our cast and crew are largely professionals who have given their free time and energy to make this happen. We don’t expect to make enough money to build another Death Star, or even a measly Super Star Destroyer, but we would love to be able to compensate these people for their efforts in some small way.
Why should I pay for it?
Nobody’s Forcing (ahaha) you to. You can wait for the YouTube release in mid-February. But if you’re the impatient type who likes to watch ALL THE THINGS NOW, or if the @DeathStarPR Twitter account/blog has ever amused you, or even if you just like to like things before other people like things, then you WILL pay to view this web series. *waves hand*
Art by James Thomson (@jrt1138)
Death Star PR: See the lighter side of the Dark Side.
The biggest news story breaking anywhere in the universe this week was George Lucas’ sale of Lucasfilm and all of its properties to Disney for a whopping $4 billion AND that Disney had promptly announced the release of Star Wars Episode VII for a 2015 release date (stay tuned for insider details on that project). [You can read about what that means for the Galactic Empire here].
What you may have missed is Disney’s other announcement: in the spirit of George Lucas’ Star Wars Special Editions, Disney will be releasing all new Disney Special Editions of the original six Star Wars films! Here are just a few of Disney’s changes/improvements you can expect to see in the first three films:
Episode I: The Phantom Menouse
After the classic opening crawl introducing kids to the riveting and child-friendly world of intergalactic taxation laws and systemic political corruption, we cut straight to The Trade Federation… who are now led by Scrooge McDuck. Scrooge and the Neimoidians discuss their enthralling plan to create a space blockade around Naboo whilst swimming in a giant pool made of gold coins.
Upon meeting up with Goof Goof Binks on the planet’s surface, the Gungans refuse to help the Naboo until the Jedi agree to first help them Find Nemo.
In Theed, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan discover why Queen Amidala hasn’t responded to the Trade Federation threat: she’s fallen into a magical sleep after eating a poisoned apple given to her by the previous (evil, obviously) Queen. Obi-Wan must prove his worth to the seven loyal dwarves that guard her before kissing her awake and making a daring escape.
Fleeing to Tatooine with the help of plucky, yet endearingly forgetful droid R2-Dory, Qui-Gon crash lands their damaged ship in the Cave of Wonders, where the Force guides him to a magical lamp. Summoning the Genie of the Lamp, Qui-Gon wishes for a way off the desert planet and is shown a vision of Anakin Skywalker. Alone in Watto’s Junk Shop, Anakin makes all the brushes and mops clean the shop for him using the Force. Qui-Gon immediately realises that this child has an impossibly high Mickey-chlorian count and must be the Chosen One who will bring bank balance to the Mouse.
When Anakin’s creation, C-3PinocchiO, is powered up for the first time he exclaims, “I’m a REAL boy!” He cries for an hour after Amidala explains that no, he is not.
Against all the odds, Anakin wins the Pod Race with the help of his cocky but loveable talking red race Pod, Force Lightning McQueen Amidala. He is freed from his life of slavery and can leave his ugly evil step-sisters behind forever.
After the race, Qui-Gon and Anakin share a touching moment staring at the binary sunrise, where Qui-Gon explains that because Anakin is the Chosen One, everything the light touches will one day be his.
Pursued by a mysterious Sith Lord, Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, Padme and Anakin fly to Coruscant to share their news with the Jedi Council. The night before the meeting, Qui-Gon is haunted by the Force ghosts of Sithmas past, present and future. Before he can interpret these strange visions, Qui-Gon is killed by Darth Maul, who is in turn killed by Obi-Wan.
Yoda appears and gives some sage, grammatically incorrect advice. He is still a goblin.
Episode II: Attack of the Santa Clause
After foiling an assassination attempt on Padme’s life, Jedi Padawan Anakin Skywalker is assigned to protect her. They share a LOT of duets.
Investigating the assassination attempt, Obi-Wan is sent to Kamino, where he encounters Captain Jack Sparrow, a deranged yet charismatic and incredibly overpaid pirate. Together, they win back Cap’n Jack’s ship, The Black Pearl and foil an undead pirate crew’s attempt to find the Fountain of Youth. Along the way they learn that the evil ex-Jedi Count Donald Ducku has been secretly building an army of clones of impressive young space warrior Buzz Lightyear. Obi-Wan never mentions his brief yet passionate kinky underwater fling with the mermaid Princess Ariel.
Meanwhile, troubled by premonitions of his mother’s death, Anakin returns to Tatooine and finds that she has been kidnapped by Sandpeople, led by an anthropomorphic evil talking lion named Scar… who, in a shock twist, is actually Anakin’s half-brother (on the Mickey-chlorian side of the family). Anakin is too late to save Shmi and kills Scar in his rage.
There is still a giant arena battle for some reason. John Carter of Mars spends the whole battle assuring the others that he’s really very good if you give him a chance and look past the horrible marketing campaign but everyone ignores him anyway. Watching the battle from the shadows, young Buzz Fett sees Jedi Master Mace Fury cut off his father’s head with a lightsaber and swears vengeance against the Jedi.
Obi-Wan and Anakin have a lightsaber duel with Count Donald Ducku, but are unable to defeat him because they fail to use the ancient and mysterious fighting technique known as “The Flying V”. Yoda arrives in the nick of time and manages to save them but can’t stop Ducku escaping with the secret plans to “the ultimate weapon”.
The film ends with the troubling revelation that there is a powerful Sith Lord, Darth Sidious, manipulating events. He appears to want to rule the galaxy… and a cloak made of 101 Dalmations. In a stunning display of detective work, Yoda observes that the Wars of Clone begun have. That begun Wars of have the Clone. That Clone of the have War– forget it.
Episode III: Revenge of the Lilo & Sith
The Clone Wars rage across the galaxy. Supreme Chancellor Palpatine has been kidnapped by the nefarious Count Ducku and his evil multi-limbed cybernetic mouse henchman General Grievmouse. With the help of the valiant Buzz Lightyear clones, Anakin and Obi-Wan rescue the Chancellor. Ducku is decapitated by Anakin.
Back on Coruscant, Anakin and Padme are reunited. Anakin learns that Padme is pregnant and becomes immediately (and completely rationally in a world where they have space ships, talking robots and lightsabers but apparently haven’t made the advances in medical science required to prevent minor issues during pregnancy) worried that Padme will die during childbirth. He grows closer to Palpatine, who tells him that the Dark Side can prevent death and that, “You’ve got a friend in me”.
Obi-Wan tracks General Grievmouse to Utapau. Obi-Wan eventually wins their lightsaber duel by throwing a block of cheese off a cliff, which Grievmouse dives after, falling to his death.
Discovering that Chancellor Palpatine is actually the evil Darth Sidious, Anakin reports his treachery to Jedi Master Mace Fury, who for some reason decides to apprehend the archvillain himself rather than calling in the Avengers as back up. During the battle, Palpatine is struck by his own Force lightning and is seriously injured but before Nick Fury can arrest him, Anakin intervenes, cutting off Fury’s hand and allowing Palpatine to kill the Jedi.
Hiding the hideous facial disfigurement caused by the Force lightning behind a sweet mask, Palpatine rebrands himself Emperor Zurg, annoints Anakin as Darth Vader and then executes Order 66, which calls for the extermination of the Jedi AND makes Adam Sandler’s Disney films daily mandatory viewing throughout the galaxy. There is a LOT of maniacal laughter.
Vader travels to Mustafar to kill the last of the Seperatist leaders and is confronted there by Obi-Wan and Padme. Padme sings, “When Somebody Loved Me” to Anakin, who accidentally Force chokes her into unconsciousness after becoming enraged when he’s reminded that he always cries watching Toy Story movies. Obi-Wan and Vader engage in a fierce duel, which ends with an angry duet, a lava bath and a few lost limbs for Vader.
Spirited away by Obi-Wan, Padme gives birth to twins and then “dies” of a broken heart, though Yoda notes she can be revived with “something more powerful even than the Force: true love’s kiss.” Leia is sent to become Princess of Alderaan and because nobody likes Luke, apparently, he’s sent to the desert to be raised by Mufasa’s Pride and an assortment of other hilarious animated jungle animals.
Tune in next time as we unveil the changes for Episodes IV-VI.
While you’re here, why not read our Ultimate Phantom Menace FAQ?
Or find out how Star Wars characters reacted to the news of George Lucas’ retirement.
Dear Sithizens,
No doubt by now you’ve heard about The Walt Disney Company‘s recent acquisition of Lucasfilm and all of its associated products and subsidiaries, including the Galactic Empire, and you’ve wondered what that means for you. Rest assured this will in no way result in any major changes or restructuring within the Empire. It’s still business as usual for us and our mission statement remains the same: to bring peace to the galaxy… even if it means we have to blow a few planets to pieces to do it.
However, as is always the case with any corporate merger, there will of course be some very minor adjustments (or, as we like to think of them, “improvements”), hardly noticeable at all really, in fact mostly just cosmetic, over the coming weeks and months. Here’s some of what you can look forward to:
1. As per his instructions, the great Walt Disney himself has asked to be thawed out of cryogenic sleep and encased in Carbonite until medical science advances to the point where human heads can be surgically attached to 100-foot tall firebreathing mechanical mice. Until such time, Carbonite Walt will be hanging in the Death Star foyer, so make sure you say hello!
2. Given the negative press that the “Darth” title has received in recent years, we’re replacing it with the much funner “Walt”. Note: Maybe don’t make a super big point of this to Walt Vader, who’s still adjusting to the news. You’ll know he’s over it when the workplace accidental injury/Force choke numbers begin to drop. Fun!
3. Similarly, the Emperor would like to clarify that he is not a “Sith Lord” and Walt Vader is NOT a “Sith Apprentice”. He is a Sorcerer, and Vader is the Sorcerer’s Apprentice.
4. Disney is a family friendly company. Anybody suggesting they are an “evil Empire” of some description, even in jest, will be sentenced to a swift and painful death.
5. Whilst we will, of course, continue to kidnap Princesses and question them about the location of Rebel bases, where to get good sushi in the Outer Rim, etc, they are likely to be more of the Disney variety from this point onwards. Please ignore the singing woodland animals helping with their chores and shoot any dwarves and/or fairy godmothers on sight.
6. Moving forward, the Death Star shall henceforth be known as “DeathStarland: The Happiest Place That Could Blow Up Earth” in all communications.
7. All staff will now be required to perform at least one song per day to meet Disney-acceptable quotas.
8. Lightsabers are to be rebranded as “fun wands”. Any “fun wand”-induced dismemberments, accidental or otherwise, should be reported to Death Star OH&S using the traditional Incident Report For Lightsaber or Force Choke-Related Injury form.
9. Our new Mousey overlords employers have requested that all Imperial staff make some minor adjustments to their work attire. Like, really minor. You probably won’t even notice the difference.
10. All Stormtroopers should now be addressed as “Vaderketeers”. Rest assured Rebel Scum, Walt Vader and the Vaderketeers will soon be suppressing a dissident cell on a planet near YOU!
11. Full-scale Imperial planetary invasions/ground assaults, e.g. the Battle of Hoth and the occupation of the Forest Moon of Endor are being reworked “highly realistic amusement park rides” or “ultimate adventure attractions”. After all, what could possibly be more of a thrill ride than crushing Rebels and/or Ewoks underfoot?
12. Finally, re: staffing, there will be very few redundancies as a direct result of the merger. Redundancies due to upsetting an angry Sith Lord will, of course, remain highly probable given this announcement a remote possibility. On a more positive note, we are pleased to announce the addition of several new Moffs in upper management. We’re sure you’ll join us in giving a warm welcome to Lord Farquaad and Emperor Zurg, Sworn Enemy of the Galactic Alliance. Both Farquaad and Zurg come with a passion for, and wealth of experience in, evil leadership and are looking forward to helping us oppress the galaxy in dynamic and innovative ways.
Whilst we are deeply saddened by Mr. Lucas’ decision to retire, we can confidently and without any duress or fear for our lives whatsoever say that all of us here in the Galactic Empire eagerly await all the new movies, television shows, video games, comics, extended universe novels, amusement park rides, toys and assorted other merchandise we can expect with the Mouse sitting in the Throne Room.
On behalf of the Mouse, Disney and the Galactic Empire,
The DeathStarLand PR Team.
Well, it’s Olympic Games time again. That two weeks out of every four years when the majority of people on planet Earth go insane with Sports Fever and settle down on the couch to watch obscure sporting events they have likely never before heard of and/or would never even think about watching outside of the Olympics.
Whilst most of these events seem fine, there’s no doubt they lack a certain something, notably the possibility of death and/or dismemberment. Here’s how we’d spice up some of the less exciting events in a galaxy far, far away.
Equestrian
What’s wrong with it: Dressage is guaranteed to put you to sleep even if you’ve had 40 XL coffees and a few hits of adrenalin. And how do people even win medals for this anyway? The horses do all of the work.
How it could be improved: Replace the horses with Tauntauns, the carefully tended lawns with a subzero tundra on desolate snow planet and the minor obstacles with a pitched battle involving AT-AT walkers, snowspeeders, lasers and LOTS of explosions. Now THAT’S sports.
Weight Lifting
What’s wrong with it: Admittedly, it’s no mean feat yanking a bar of metal several times your own weight above your head, all while wearing overly revealing little shorts.
How it could be improved: But you know what’s way more impressive than that? Lifting a WHOLE FRIGGING X-WING OUT OF A SWAMP WITH THE POWER OF YOUR MIND.
Gymnastics
What’s wrong with it: Pretty, but severely lacking in bottomless pits, laser swords, dismemberment.
How it could be improved: Let’s start by getting rid of the leotards. Probably best to dump the ribbons, bouncy balls, pommel horses and, well, just all of it, actually. Now add Force-powered super jumps and sweet flips, as well as lightsabers (naturally). Throw in some mood lighting/reactor core-type settings for good measure. NOW you have a sport everyone can enjoy.
Table Tennis
What’s wrong with it: Sure, table tennis is fast and requires plenty of hand-to-eye coordination, but it needs MORE LASERS.
How it could be improved: If you want to see someone really test their reflexes, give them a lightsaber and an oversized helmet they can’t see out of, then have a little hover ball repeatedly shoot lasers at them. Preferably until they cry.
Shotput
What’s wrong with it: Pass. Too easy to make jokes about balls of steel.
How it could be improved: Anyone can throw a metal ball onto some grass. NOT everyone can throw someone down a reactor shaft whilst the guy is electrifying you to death with magic lightning. Added bonus: The person you get to throw is your boss!
Greco-Roman Wrestling (aka. “Competitive Hugging”)
What’s wrong with it: Errr… everything. Just… everything.
How it could be improved: Throw the wrestlers into Jabba’s Rancor Pit and let the hilarity ensue. Okay, technically this might be more “being bitten in half” than “Greco-Roman wrestling” but it will be faster and the rules will make 4961% more sense.
Road Cycling
Art by Mike Joos
What’s wrong with it: It goes forever. Occasional crashes are a perk but they rarely/if ever result in gigantic explosions.
How it could be improved: Out with the push bikes and pedals, in with the repulsorlift engines! And as if being able to travel at 500kmph isn’t enough of an adrenalin shot, let’s stage the races in a literally impossible-to-navigate forest maze of tightly packed trees, filled with rudimentary rock and log traps and savage carnivorous space teddy bears waiting to hunt and eat anyone who manages to fall off their speeder bike!
Diving
What’s wrong with it: Diving is just falling with style. And when you’re only falling into water, there’s hardly even any chance of a grisly/entertaining death.
How it could be improved: Two words: “Sarlaac Pit”. You have to admit that watching people dive into the gaping maw of a giant space worm in which, if swallowed, they will be slowly digested over a period of 1000 years is WAY more exciting than watching someone do a somersault or two into a nicely heated swimming pool.
Marathon
What’s wrong with it: Wow, you ran 42km in just over two hours and pushed yourself above and beyond the realms of human endurance, big deal.
How it could be improved: If you really want to see how far and fast people can run, make all the competitors Jedi, then execute Order 66. You’ll be amazed at the record-breaking results people deliver when they’re running for their lives from merciless death squads.
Fencing
What’s wrong with it: Seriously, this has to be the worst, least exciting thing involving two people fighting with swords ever.
How it could be improved: Lightsabers. Enough said.
You’re welcome, Earth.
Who didn’t want to be Han Solo while they were growing up? The cocky attitude, the remorseless murdering of aliens in bars and getting away scott free, the angry space bear sidekick, the tempestuous relationship with the feisty Princess who based on the evidence could possibly be the only human female in the galaxy — the guy had it all.
Of course, that’s almost forgetting the coolest thing about being Han Solo – the bit where he said “I know” to Princess Leia and was encased in Carbonite by Bounty Hunter Boba Fett.
Now thanks to the wonders of modern technology and mass consumerism, you too can have the full Han Solo experience and have yourself encased in Carbonite. Or at least, the 8″ action figure version of yourself.
All you need to do is attend Star Wars Weekends at Walt Disney World in Orlando. And call ahead to make a reservation first. And be prepared to fork out $100 per figure. And because we’re reporting it late you only have until June 16th to do it.
So it turns out most of you probably won’t be able to really be encased in Carbonite after all. Life is full of disappointment, isn’t it?
Whether you loved Empire or Return of the Jedi, like Ewoks or want to club them to death and knit their fur into a nice sweater, think Jar Jar was “fun” or believe that people who think Jar Jar was “fun” must have a “severe brain impairment”, there’s one thing all Star Wars fans can universally agree on: Han Solo is frigging cool.
From the moment we first saw him murdering Greedo without any provocation, we knew that Han was a total badass. Ruggedly handsome, with a devil-may-care attitude and a cocky swagger, it was obvious that Solo (and his angry space bear sidekick/life partner) did things his way and would always look out for number one.
You knew exactly what Luke (whiny orphan farm boy with magic destiny), Leia (damsel in distress) and Obi-Wan (wise mentor/kind of a dick most of the time) were about. But old Han kept you guessing right up until the end of A New Hope when he swooped in and saved the day and got a medal for participating in exactly 0.002% of the battle.
Plus there’s the endlessly quotable one-liners like, “Boring conversation anyway” and “Never tell me the odds!” and “It’s not my fault!” and “How good does my hair look today beeteedubs?”
And of course it didn’t hurt that we could all see (well, besides Luke) the obvious sexual tension simmering between Leia and Han, which culminated in her confession of love and his legendarily douchey reply, “I know.”
Right about now your heart’s just about full to bursting with happy Han memories, isn’t it? Great! Now watch this clip of Han dancing to “I’m Han Solo” from the “Galactic Dance-Off” section of Kinect Star Wars:
After the first “Trash Compactor” you’re beginning to get worried. We DARE you to still think Han is awesome by the time you get to the “Double Blaster”. Good luck not weeping openly for your lost childhood once you get to the “Solo Pose”.
The problem is, this game MAKES NO SENSE WHATSOEVER. WHAT POSSIBLE REASON would Han, Leia and Lando have for dancing in clubs filled with Stormtroopers and Imperial Officers? Why would Han ever dance at all? Why didn’t Return of the Jedi feature an actual striptease by Princess Leia? It will literally hurt your brain just thinking about it.
Oh, and just in case you thought Boba Fett was cool too, watch from around the 1:10 mark:
There are no embarrassing dance videos of Darth Vader or Emperor Palpatine. Absolutely none. So don’t search for them. Because there are definitely 100% not any. At all.
Via Kotaku.
Imperial March is almost over here in the Galactic Empire and we’ve been busy celebrating with a month of flying around to various planets and threatening to invade/blow them up enjoying a series of completely unforced and unexpected tributes to Emperor Palpatine and the Galactic Empire.
But fear not, Earthians, just because March is drawing to a close doesn’t mean you don’t have enough time to celebrate it in fine Imperial style. Here are a few easy things you can do:
It is impossible to get into the spirit of Imperial March without going big in the helmet department. You literally cannot go too big here. Fashion it out of a watermelon, or a bucket, or even a bath tub. The important thing is, make it enormous. Anything that doesn’t hit the people next to you in the elevator at work is ridiculously undersized.
It’s probably unrealistic to expect that you’re going to enter and graduate from the Imperial Academy and then make it through the many years of gruelling physical and psychological conditioning in the Imperial Navy required to become an actual TIE Fighter pilot before the end of the month. It’s okay though, we have an alternative: get dressed up in a stylish tuxedo and bow tie, and then beat the crap out of your friends, Fight Club-style! It won’t improve your life in any way (and may indeed lead to some pretty severe head trauma) but at least you won’t remember how much you hated the Prequels anymore!
And yes, that IS Justin Bieber getting beaten up in that picture. You’re welcome.
Being an Imperial Officer takes guts, determination, and the ability to totally ignore the fact that your workmates/superiors are being horribly murdered right next to you from a distance by a magical cyborg, whilst you carry on about your business. Remember: avoiding or ignoring other people’s misery and misfortune is the number one way to succeed in life!
Basically, if you haven’t converted your car into an AT-AT yet, you’re wasting your life.
Eat exclusively Empire-shaped (and approved) food
Low GI, soy-based, gluten-free sad foods are off the menu during Imperial March. Instead, you MUST, on pain of giant laser, consume ONLY foods that are Empire-shaped, themed and/or approved, e.g.
AT-AT pancakes
Death Star cakes (via BTP Blog)
Darth Vader toast, waffles, etc
With the Imperial March as your theme music, we guarantee that even a quick walk to the bathroom after a bad decision lunchtime burrito will be the most badass thing anybody has ever done in the history of anything.
Okay, so singlehandedly stopping a galaxy-wide terrorist organisation inside of a week might be a bit of a tall order but the journey of crushing a thousand Rebels underneath your AT-AT’s gargantuan footpads begins with a single step. In other words, start small. First, know your enemy. We classify a Rebel as “anybody who we don’t like, or who is different to us, or expresses any kind of disapproval of our choices/actions/ideas”. Once you’ve figured out who in your life falls into that category, simply destroy their lives by any and all means possible. It’s easy AND fun!
Or, you know, just orchestrate an intergalactic space war and build a Death Star to keep everyone in line. Whatever’s easiest.