May the 4th be with you!
Yes, May the 4th is here. Star Wars day. The day that we celebrate one of the greatest stories ever told, a story that has captured the hearts and minds and money (soooo much money) of countless fans for over thirty years. Apart from the bits with Jar Jar Binks in.
But it also presents a problem for people who don’t live in a galaxy far, far away who dream of one day warring amidst the stars: how do you satisfactorily celebrate the occasion? Fret not humans, Death Star PR has the answer. Here are 10 easy ways you celebrate Star Wars Day:
10. Kidnap a Princess and blow up her planet
This one should be a cinch but on the off chance you don’t have easy access to a Princess and/or a planet destroying super weapon, try thinking outside the box: substitute “Princess” for “that snooty girl who lives down the street and always ignores you when you stare adoringly at her through the cafe window” and “planet” for “setting fire to her car”.
9. Tell Luke You’re His Father
This is a classic Star Wars joke that never, ever gets old. Every time you meet, speak to, or hear of someone called Luke today, tell them: “I am your father. Search your feelings, you know it to be true.” If you happen to have some kind of laser sword (or katana blade, axe, etc in a pinch) and a reactor shaft handy, the rest of this scene just writes itself.
8. Use the Force
Don’t pretend you haven’t “used the Force” to open automatic doors. Everybody has. Well today’s your chance to revel in it; really just do it continually all day long. Also strongly encouraged: trying to Force choke annoying family members/co-workers/customers.
7. Have an Epic Lightsaber Battle
We understand that Earth is too backwards to have actual lightsaber battles but for this one you’ll just have to make do with toy replicas. If you think about it, what makes a lightsaber battle EPIC isn’t just having a super cool laser sword that cuts through almost anything while going, “SchwmmMMM!”, it’s the 47 minute duel across a variety of exotic, increasingly dangerous locales. Start your toy lightsaber fight in the house, take it out to the street, through the traffic, fall on to the top of a passing truck, then roll off that in to a busy factory that, if you’re lucky, will be full of molten lava.
6. Do Jedi Mind Tricks
As much as we hate to admit it, Jedi mind tricks do work, it’s just most people don’t have the patience required to make it happen. The trick to a Jedi mind trick is this: it’s not enough to just say, “I’m not the Lloyd you’re looking for”. You need to say it one hundred times. Or at least, just as many times as it takes for the other person to give up and either agree with you or go away because THEN YOU WIN.
5. Find the Droids No One Was Looking For
We’ll be honest, our Stormtroopers kind of dropped the ball on Tatooine but that doesn’t mean you can’t make up for their mistakes. How, you ask? Any time today you see anything mechanical that could even in the loosest possible sense be described as a robot, point to it and exclaim, “Look! That’s the droid we were looking for!”
4. Get Cocky
Although not generally noted for his advice giving, Han did have one great tip for Luke when he said, “Great, kid. Don’t get cocky.” The utter irony of this comment coming from the galaxy’s cockiest cock makes it a must that you get cocky on Star Wars day. Do this by saying, “I know” any time someone tells you anything, e.g.
Co-worker: “I’m going to get lunch.”
You: “I know.”
Co-worker: “Probably sushi.”
You: “I know.”
Co-worker: “So… do you want to come, or what?”
You: “I know.”
Co-worker: “I’m going now.”
You: “I know.”
3. Time to Imperial March
We’ll let you in on a little secret. There is one, incredibly easy, surefire way to go from complete loser to total bad ass in under five seconds: throw John William’s “Imperial March” on to your iPod, crank the volume to full, hit play and then stride down the corridor, street, etc. For even greater badassery, play it on a boom box and make a lackey scurry after you holding it. Cape optional.
2. Do the “Obi-Wan”
Remember that classically heroic moment when Obi-Wan cut off his best friend’s legs and arm and then gave him a lecture about how he was supposed to have been a good guy while the poor kid was burning to death in a river of magma? Well, you can be just as heroic! Give your friend a series of horrible paper cuts, then throw boiling hot water in their face while you deliver a lecture about how they are a bad friend.
1. Shoot First
Actually, most guys already have this one covered, particularly once the Slave Leia costume comes out.
Bonus: Kiss Your Sister
OF COURSE this is a trap. Rebel sickos.