Category Archives: Death Star

11 Ways You Can Celebrate Star Wars Day

Posted on by
2

May the 4th be with you! 

Yes, Star Wars Day, May the 4th, is here once again. The day that we celebrate one of the greatest stories ever told, a story that has captured the hearts and minds and money (soooo much money) of countless fans for over thirty years. Apart from the bits with Jar Jar Binks.

But it also presents a problem for fans of the films who don’t live in a galaxy far, far away: how do you satisfactorily celebrate the occasion? Worry not humans, Death Star PR has the answer. Here are 11 easy ways you celebrate Star Wars Day.

11. Kidnap a Princess and blow up her planet

This one should be a cinch but on the off chance you don’t have easy access to a Princess and/or a planet destroying super weapon, try thinking outside the box: substitute “Princess” for “that snooty girl who lives down the street and always ignores you when you stare adoringly at her through the cafe window” and “planet” for “setting fire to her car”.

10. Tell Luke You’re His Father

This is a classic Star Wars joke that never, ever gets old. Every time you meet, speak to, or hear of someone called Luke today, tell them: “I am your father. Search your feelings, you know it to be true.” If you happen to have some kind of laser sword (or katana blade, axe, etc in a pinch) and a reactor shaft handy, the rest of this scene just writes itself.

9. Do not try

Kids, in the immortal words of Yoda, “Do, or do not. There is no try.” Really, this is just another way of saying, “Don’t bother trying”. So for today, take a load off. Chillax. If not bothering to do stuff is good enough for Yoda, it’s good enough for you too. Stuff sucks, anyway. And don’t even get us started on things.

8. Use the Force

Don’t pretend you haven’t “used the Force” to open automatic doors. Everybody has. Well today’s your chance to revel in it; really just do it continually all day long. Try and levitate everything with your mind, or Force push/pull things towards.away form you.

Also strongly encouraged: trying to Force choke annoying family members/co-workers/customers.

7. Have an Epic Lightsaber Battle

If you think about it, what makes a lightsaber battle EPIC isn’t just having a super cool laser sword that cuts through almost anything while going, “SchwmmMMM!” (which, okay, is PRETTY FRIGGING COOL), it’s the 47 minute duel across a variety of exotic, increasingly dangerous locales. Start your toy lightsaber fight in the house, take it out to the street, through the traffic, fall on to the top of a passing truck, then roll off that in to a busy factory that, if you’re lucky, will be full of molten lava. FUN!

6. Find the Droids We Were Looking For

We’ll be honest, our Stormtroopers kind of dropped the ball on Tatooine but that doesn’t mean you can’t make up for their mistakes. How, you ask? Any time today you see anything mechanical that could even in the loosest possible sense be described as a robot, point to it and exclaim, “Look! That’s the droid we were looking for!”

5. Do Jedi Mind Tricks

As much as we hate to admit it, Jedi mind tricks do work, it’s just most people don’t have the patience required to make it happen. The trick to a Jedi mind trick is this:
1) Think about what you want the other person to believe.
2) Wave your hand as you say it to them.
3) Say it another one hundred times.
[Or at least, as many times as it takes to wear the other person down and make them give up and either agree with you or go away because THEN YOU WIN.]

4. Get Cocky

Although not generally noted for his advice giving, Han did have one great tip for  Luke when he said, “Great, kid. Don’t get cocky.” The utter irony of this comment coming from the galaxy’s cockiest cock makes it a must that you get cocky on Star Wars Day. Do this by saying, “I know” any time someone tells you anything, e.g.
Co-worker: ”I’m going to get lunch.”
You: ”I know.”
Co-worker: ”Probably sushi.”
You: ”I know.”
Co-worker: ”So… do you want to come, or what?”
You: ”I know.”
Co-worker: ”I’m going now.”
You: ”I know.”

3. Get your Imperial March on

We’ll let you in on a little secret. There is one, incredibly easy, surefire way to go from complete loser to total badass in under five seconds: put John William’s “Imperial March” on your mp3 player of choice, crank the volume to full, hit ‘Play’ and then stride down the corridor, street, etc. For even greater badassery, play it on a boom box and make a lackey scurry after you holding it. Cape optional.

2. Do the Ackbar!

Remember that classic movie moment in Return of the Jedi when Admiral Ackbar realises that, “IT’S A TRAP!” For today only, you are promoted to the rank of Admiral. Your primary responsibilities include: trap detection and yelling about detection of said traps. Here’s what you need to know: EVERYTHING IS A TRAP. EVERYTHING. You should, nay, must, shout, “IT’S A TRAP!” at pretty much everything that happens today.

1. Shoot First

This one’s simple: go first at absolutely everything. Think your boyfriend might want to break up with you? DROP THAT DOUCHEBAG IMMEDIATELY (even if he’s actually really kind of nice and probably wasn’t even thinking about breaking up with you yet – he would have eventually!). Normally let kindly little old ladies go in front of you on the check out line? NOT TODAY, YOU OLD BAG. This applies to waiting rooms, board games, toilet stall queues, and ESPECIALLY conversations.

Bonus: Kiss Your Sister

OF COURSE this is a trap. Rebel sickos.

What to Expect When You’re Expecting (A Baby That Looks Like Emperor Palpatine)

Posted on by
Reply

Becoming a new parent has more than its fair share of challenges: the sleepless nights, the worry over the health and safety of your newborn, the constant crying, the poopy diapers, the SERIOUSLY WILL THIS BABY NEVER LET ME SLEEPless nights, etc. But all of those things pale in significance compared to the challenge faced by Heather and Toby Large of Pingree Grove, Illinois, who saw THIS in their 20-week ultrasound:

Image via Blastr

It’s not every day you find yourself carrying the reincarnation of the Dark Lord of the Sith, so we thought we’d put together a helpful list of what the happy couple should (and shouldn’t) expect from their bouncing baby boy of Evil. Pay attention to these simple dos and donts and your journey to the Dark Side of pregnancy will be complete.

DO expect to face some challenges along the way. Pregnancy isn’t easy. There’s the nausea, the swollen feet and the crazy food cravings to name just a few. But when you have a Sith Lord in your uterus, you should possibly also be prepared for surprise attacks from Jedi hoping to stave off the next Order 66.

DON’T take it for granted. With having to avoid alcohol and certain foods, being kicked, punched and Force pushed by a tiny human inside you, as well as just plain being tired more frequently, being pregnant can feel like a burden sometimes. So try your best to remember it’s a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Not everybody gets to say they’ve given birth to a superpowered evil wizard genius!

DO take good care of yourself. This means trying to exercise daily as best you can, eating the right foods and getting lots of relaxation time with your feet up. This will help ensure you and the baby are happy and healthy from day one. After all, the little guy isn’t going to grow up to take over the galaxy without a helping hand from mum and dad!

DON’T think you have to do this on your own. Pregnancy can be tough but that’s why you can’t forget that you have friends and family around you to lean on for love and support during the hard times. Unless your faith in your friends is your weakness. Or your friends aren’t going to be supportive of your religious and personal freedoms in choosing to raise the baby as a Sith.

DO expect to laugh. Maniacally. A LOT. Parenting has its share of lows, but particularly as your baby grows into a little person and begins to walk and talk and fire Force lightning at the cat, you’ll find he’ll become a constant source of amusement. And diabolical evil.

DON’T worry if your child isn’t hitting developmental milestones at the “normal” time. All babies are different and develop at different rates. Your little guy will be building Death Stars and plotting the overthrow of Galactic Republics through complex schemes involving intragalactic trade and taxation laws in no time!

DO expect plenty of changes! During the first few years of his life, your baby will change A LOT. He’ll go from being a completely helpless, tiny, innocent babe in swaddling to a walking, talking, rambunctious toddler, to a hideously ugly malevolent Force-wielding dictator in a matter of years. Literally! Super fast growth is one of the MANY perks of having a baby who’s a little on the Dark Side.

DON’T sweat the small stuff. You’re not going to get everything right. You aren’t perfect. In fact, there’s no such thing as a “perfect parent”. Sure, sometimes the hate will flow through you but it’s important to remember that THAT’S OKAY. Just do the best you can everyday and you’ll see your child will grow into the kind of evil planet-destroying Sith Lord you can be proud of.

Good luck, and may the Face of Palpatine be with you!

Death Star PR the Web Series Ep 5: “PR and Prejudice”

Featured

Posted on by
Reply

The REBEL ALLIANCE has secretly deployed BOTHAN SPIES onto the Death Star armed with video cameras to produce an undercover exposé on life in the GALACTIC EMPIRE. Unanswered, such a documentary could spell certain doom for our small band of PR heroes…

Can’t wait until next week to see how things end for our intrepid band of PR heroes? Watch the last episode (plus the other episodes and bonus Behind-the-Scenes video) now for $0.99.

Death Star PR the Web Series Ep 4: “Appreciation Day”

Featured

Posted on by
Reply

There is unrest in the PR Office. Having received word that Princess Leia has been brought aboard the Death Star, Wilson takes to his keyboard to craft the perfect PR release. Meanwhile, united by their mutual appreciation, Sharpe and Green concoct an idea of their own…

Can’t wait three whole weeks to see how things end for our intrepid band of PR heroes? Watch the whole series now for $0.99.

Death Star PR the Web Series Ep 3: “Opinion Poll”

Posted on by
Reply

Boredom has engulfed the PR Office. Intent on avoiding a year’s backlog of filing, at all costs, Sharpe has created the ULTIMATE work-avoidance scheme…

 

Why wait to watch the whole series? Download all six episodes NOW for just $0.99: http://deathstarpr.com/all-the-episodes/

For full credits visit: http://deathstarpr.com/webseries/

Death Star PR the Web Series Ep 2: “Prank Call”

Posted on by
Reply

It is a golden time for the PR Team. Having convinced DARTH VADER of their worth, the PR Team’s ranks have swelled to three. Joined by the beguiling yet naive GREEN, Wilson has his eyes set on future glory. Sharpe, having dressed to impress his new colleague, is interested in a completely different prize…

If you can’t wait that long, you can view all six episodes RIGHT NOW for just $0.99.

Full web series credits.

Death Star PR the Web Series Ep 1: “Alderaan Reasons”

Featured

Posted on by
Reply

It is a period of civil war. The benevolent GALACTIC EMPIRE have just unveiled their secret weapon. No, not the DEATH STAR, its PR TEAM. Hounded by calls from evil REBEL ALLIANCE supporters, WILSON, Head of PR, and his scruffy-looking off-sider, SHARPE, set out to prove that the Death Star will restore peace to the galaxy…

It’s been a long, long time in the making but the Death Star PR team have finally crossed vast interstellar distances to arrive on Earth’s interwebz.

Death Star PR, the Star Wars parody web series, follows the Galactic Empire’s incompetent and largely irrelevant crack PR Team as they attempt to save the Galaxy, one press release at a time.

The series is six episodes long and will be released weekly to YouTube every Tuesday (US time) from 12 February to 19 March. If you can’t wait that long, you can view all six episodes RIGHT NOW for just $0.99.

Full web series credits.

Be Proud of This Technological Terror You Could Construct

Posted on by
4

The White House’s “We the People” platform allows people to post petitions, promising to respond to any that that get more than 25,000 signatures. Most of these petitions are undoubtedly created by kooks or cranks, calling for crazy things like, “allowing Texas to withdraw from the USA”, “recounting the election”, “allowing individual states to regulate marijuana as they see fit” and even “mandatory labelling of genetically modified foods”.

But one petition, created by a visionary and, dare we say it, PROUD AMERICAN is using this system to do something actually worthwhile: s/he is calling for the US Government to “Secure Resources and Funding and Begin Construction of a Death Star by 2016″.

According to the petition: “By focusing our defense resources into a space-superiority platform and weapon system such as a Death Star, the government can spur job creation in the fields of construction, engineering, space exploration, and more, and strengthen our national defense.”

We’ve been proposing the idea of a Death Star for America for over a year now and we’re glad to see our message is finally catching on.

But let’s cut to the chase. America, you NEED this Death Star, and here’s six reasons why:

1) It will make a stylish addition to your planet. Right now, Earth is one of those BORING one moon planets. Just think how much cooler it will be to have a second, EVEN SHINIER moon to look at. You will be the envy of all the other lifeless planets in your solar system.

2) A building project of this magnitude will inspire your planet to greatness. You will be united by a common cause and common goals as every country on Earth gives their money and manpower towards helping you construct your Death Star, because if they don’t, you’ll aim it at them once you’re finished.

3) As the petition said, constructing a Death Star will stimulate the economy, providing work for millions of engineers, construction workers, plumbers and electricians, to name but a few, not to mention the countless jobs that will be created in the mining and manufacturing industries. As an added bonus, there will also probably be plenty of opportunities for slave labourers further down the line.

4) You already have an international space station but admit it, it’s totally LAME. It doesn’t even fire any lasers at anything. Time to upgrade.

5) What better way to bring peace to all of mankind than to build a gigantic death laser that can instantly blow mankind to pieces? Seriously, who is going to mess with you when you can explode their family, friends, home and even their precious collectible DVD Box Sets? No one, that’s who.

6) If you’ve ever watched a movie, you probably know that the greatest threat facing mankind right now isn’t global warming, it’s ALIENS. AND GIANT METEORS. AND POSSIBLY GIANT ALIENS HIDING IN EVEN GIANTER METEORS. We’re not “Doctor History” or anything, but we’re fairly certain that’s what took out the Dinosaurs. But the Dinosaurs would still be here today, using you all as delicious entrees, if only THEY’D had the vision and opposable thumbs required to build a Death Star to defend their planet. The point being, a movie with Dinosaurs fighting aliens would be AWESOME.

In conclusion, America, you can’t live in the past forever. The Stars and Stripes are so yesterday. Step into tomorrow. It’s great here. Sure, the air is a little bit toxic but everyone has lightsabers! Approve this petition. Begin building your own Death Star. Embrace the Death Stars and Stripes and the Death Star-Spangled banner. It’s time.

If you enjoyed this post, why not meet the team behind it? View the trailer for the upcoming Death Star PR Web Series and the teasers for the PR Team’s members: Wilson, Green and Sharpe.

Death Star PR The Web Series Trailer

Posted on by
Reply

The Galactic Empire has been getting a bad rap.
They’re here to set the record straight.

Praise for Death Star PR the web series:
“… Brilliant. Bold. Hilarious. Moving. A triumph.” – This website.
“The greatest Star Wars story ever told.” – Wilson, Head of PR.
“Another Star Wars parody? I’m going to blog my outrage about this immediately!” – Some guy on the internet.
“I’m kind of Force choking someone right now. Can you ask me later?” – Darth Vader.

What Does Disney’s Acquisition of Lucasfilm Mean For the Galactic Empire?

Posted on by
9

Dear Sithizens,

No doubt by now you’ve heard about The Walt Disney Company‘s recent acquisition of Lucasfilm and all of its associated products and subsidiaries, including the Galactic Empire, and you’ve wondered what that means for you. Rest assured this will in no way result in any major changes or restructuring within the Empire. It’s still business as usual for us and our mission statement remains the same: to bring peace to the galaxy… even if it means we have to blow a few planets to pieces to do it.

However, as is always the case with any corporate merger, there will of course be some very minor adjustments (or, as we like to think of them, “improvements”), hardly noticeable at all really, in fact mostly just cosmetic, over the coming weeks and months. Here’s some of what you can look forward to:

1. As per his instructions, the great Walt Disney himself has asked to be thawed out of cryogenic sleep and encased in Carbonite until medical science advances to the point where human heads can be surgically attached to 100-foot tall firebreathing mechanical mice. Until such time, Carbonite Walt will be hanging in the Death Star foyer, so make sure you say hello!

2. Given the negative press that the “Darth” title has received in recent years, we’re replacing it with the much funner “Walt”. Note: Maybe don’t make a super big point of this to Walt Vader, who’s still adjusting to the news. You’ll know he’s over it when the workplace accidental injury/Force choke numbers begin to drop. Fun!

3. Similarly, the Emperor would like to clarify that he is not a “Sith Lord” and Walt Vader is NOT a “Sith Apprentice”. He is a Sorcerer, and Vader is the Sorcerer’s Apprentice.

4. Disney is a family friendly company. Anybody suggesting they are an “evil Empire” of some description, even in jest, will be sentenced to a swift and painful death.

5. Whilst we will, of course, continue to kidnap Princesses and question them about the location of Rebel bases, where to get good sushi in the Outer Rim, etc, they are likely to be more of the Disney variety from this point onwards. Please ignore the singing woodland animals helping with their chores and shoot any dwarves and/or fairy godmothers on sight.

6. Moving forward, the Death Star shall henceforth be known as “DeathStarland: The Happiest Place That Could Blow Up Earth” in all communications.

7. All staff will now be required to perform at least one song per day to meet Disney-acceptable quotas.

8. Lightsabers are to be rebranded as “fun wands”. Any “fun wand”-induced dismemberments, accidental or otherwise, should be reported to Death Star OH&S using the traditional Incident Report For Lightsaber or Force Choke-Related Injury form.

9. Our new Mousey overlords employers have requested that all Imperial staff make some minor adjustments to their work attire. Like, really minor. You probably won’t even notice the difference.

10. All Stormtroopers should now be addressed as “Vaderketeers”. Rest assured Rebel Scum, Walt Vader and the Vaderketeers will soon be suppressing a dissident cell on a planet near YOU!

11. Full-scale Imperial planetary invasions/ground assaults, e.g. the Battle of Hoth and the occupation of the Forest Moon of Endor are being reworked “highly realistic amusement park rides” or “ultimate adventure attractions”. After all, what could possibly be more of a thrill ride than crushing Rebels and/or Ewoks underfoot?

12. Finally, re: staffing, there will be very few redundancies as a direct result of the merger. Redundancies due to upsetting an angry Sith Lord will, of course, remain highly probable given this announcement a remote possibility. On a more positive note, we are pleased to announce the addition of several new Moffs in upper management. We’re sure you’ll join us in giving a warm welcome to Lord Farquaad and Emperor Zurg, Sworn Enemy of the Galactic Alliance. Both Farquaad and Zurg come with a passion for, and wealth of experience in, evil leadership and are looking forward to helping us oppress the galaxy in dynamic and innovative ways.

Whilst we are deeply saddened by Mr. Lucas’ decision to retire, we can confidently and without any duress or fear for our lives whatsoever say that all of us here in the Galactic Empire eagerly await all the new movies, television shows, video games, comics, extended universe novels, amusement park rides, toys and assorted other merchandise we can expect with the Mouse sitting in the Throne Room.

On behalf of the Mouse, Disney and the Galactic Empire,
The DeathStarLand PR Team.