In news that will shock none of the loyal citizens of the Galactic Empire, Princess Leia Organa, aka. Leia “the Stormtrooper Slayer” Skywalker, aka. Carrie Fisher, publicly admitted yesterday that she took vast quantities of drugs whilst stationed on the Ice Planet, Hoth.
Whilst Imperial sources have long suspected that substance abuse was rife amongst the dissident forces hiding throughout the Galaxy, Leia’s announcement marks the first time a high-ranking terrorist leader has conceded there was any truth to such claims.
‘Hoth was bad, really bad,’ said a source close to Organa. ‘The snow outside wasn’t the problem, it was the abundance of “ice” in Han’s smuggling compartments on the Millenium Falcon that really did the damage. Once Leia started, she just couldn’t stop.’
Anonymous Rebel whistleblowers describe seeing the Princess covered from head-to-toe in white powder, which they believed to be snow until her erratic behaviour proved otherwise. During her purportedly 72-hour long drug binges, Organa exhibited an insatiable sexual appetite and was prone to sudden outbursts of explosive violence, often combining the two in debauched public sex acts.
Showing just how far she fell during this dark period, the disgraced ex-socialite and media darling stated, ‘I didn’t even like coke that much, it was just a case of getting on whatever train I needed to take to get high.’ She went on to add, ‘Slowly I realised I was doing a bit more drugs than other people and losing my choice in the matter.’
Although Leia was quick to declare that her drug addiction was a thing of the past, Imperial news outlets remain sceptical, given her bizarre choice of hairstyle and outrageously indecent public attire.
The stunning revelations raise grave concerns for the few remaining supporters of the Rebel Alliance and heavily undermine the moral foundations of the entire Rebellion.
What other acts of depravity do the Rebel Alliance get up to in their hidden bases? Did creepy old hobo and self-professed “magician” Obi Wan Kenobi really spend most of his adult years “watching over” a young Luke Skywalker? Does Chewbacca ever bathe? And what is the true nature of the “friendship” between robotic life partners, C3-PO and R2-D2?
Death Star PR will bring you the answers to these questions as they come to light.
Original article: The Daily Mail.