People of Earth,
Your current Presidential candidates have failed me for the last time. Newt Gingrich is promising you a Moon Base by 2020, rather than a moon-sized laser that can destroy planets. Mitt Romney has vowed not to “light his hair on fire” just to rally the conservative base, whilst I have actually been on fire. In lava. Rick Santorum’s campaign has shown a “darker” side recently with his ‘Obamaville’ apocalypse advert, whereas I have actually gone to the Dark Side and authorised the apocalypse of Alderaan. And the less said about Obama’s failure to “change” America into a country that proudly builds AT-ATs the better. I have no choice. As of today, I am announcing my candidacy for the Presidency of the United States of America. I AM your future President.
When elected President, I guarantee the following:
An end to “big” government. Politicians exist largely to represent different perspectives on how your country should be governed. When you carry a lightsaber and have the ability to magically choke people from a great distance with the power of your mind, very few people tend to adopt a perspective different to your own.
100% employment. Under my “No body left behind” policy, you will never again be forced to suffer the indignity and hardship of unemployment. Every person, regardless of sex, race, political affiliation or religious belief will be assured a job they can be proud of: building 100% Earth-made Stormtrooper blasters, Star Destroyers and Death Stars.
Greater fiscal responsibility. Under my reign, there will be no frivolous governmental spending on things like “universal health care”, “tertiary education”, or the “judicial system”. All public spending will be funnelled into glorious largescale projects for the betterment of all of mankind (building AT-ATs, Death Stars, etc).
I’ll bring the troops home. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force, unless the planet in question is yours. With the Death Star and/or various Star Destroyers orbiting your planet at all times, there will be no more warfare. All of your soldiers will be far too busy manufacturing weapons of mass destruction (see above).
I’ll put families first. As a widower and single father of two troubled teenagers, I know what it’s like trying to raise a family in the modern era of Facebook, drugs and intergalactic Rebellions. Between my Imperial spies, probe droids and Stormtrooper-imposed military curfews, you will know where your children are and what they are doing at all times.
Why should you elect me (assuming you have a choice)?
I’m an everyman, just like you. I’m not some privileged Ivy League billionaire who grew up with a silver spoon in their mouth. I was born in a slum on a desert planet. I was raised by a single mother forced into slavery just to make ends meet. I never knew my deadbeat father because I was conceived by the Force, or midi-chlorians, or something (I’ll admit I’m hazy on the details, that movie was an embarrassing time in my life). I left home at a very young age and took a trade as a warrior space monk. I married the first girl I ever fell in love with. I was betrayed by my best friend, who cut off my arms and legs and left me to die in lava. Just like you.
I’m a war veteran. As a decorated veteran of the Clone, and assorted other Star, wars, I have seen active combat on countless worlds. I work well as part of a team (my Master and I took over an entire galaxy by ourselves) and independently. I can and will make the hard life-and-death (okay, mostly death) decisions under intense pressure.
I know what it’s like to face challenges. Speaking as someone who’s: been called “Annie” as a little boy; had four limbs amputated by lightsaber (three by my “best friend”); been thrown into lava; been forced to live in a life-sustaining cyborg body suit; and suffered from severe asthma and the social stigma of heavy breathing, I understand more than anybody that life isn’t always easy. You will face obstacles (such as Jedi, Rebel scum, etc) on your path to greatness/your destiny as The Chosen One/the Dark Side but you can overcome.
I will secure the popular vote. Did somebody say, “Name recognition?” As the star of six autobiographical feature films, an animated television series and innumerable books, graphic novels, amusement park rides, toy and clothing merchandise, etc, I am a household name throughout the galaxy. Kids love me. Parents get me. My peers respect me (or get Force choked). With that level of popularity, there’ll be nothing to stop us this time.
I am a man of faith. It saddens me that Earth does not yet KNOW the POWER of the Dark Side. In fact, the Force is not with you most of you at all. You labour under the mistaken belief that the Star Wars saga is “just a movie”. I find your planet’s lack of faith disturbing. A few Force chokes and the odd lightsaber throw and this will be fixed very quickly.
I hate whoever you hate. Pick a minority group: happily married straight people, gay people who would like to be happily married, people with beards, pretty much any people with four fully functioning limbs. When you hate everybody like I do, the chances are we are going to agree on people we don’t like. Release your anger, America.
I have prior experience. As the second-in-charge of the Galactic Empire, I have plenty of job experience running totalitarian regimes. Running a country will be all too easy by comparison.
I’m harsh but fair. Like most parents, I have dreams for my children (co-ruling the galaxy as father and son). Like most parents, I have personally experienced the pain of my children metaphorically (and literally) cutting off my hand after I offer them those dreams on a silver platter. But like most parents, I also understand that it’s your moral responsibility to do what you know is right for the future of your children, even if it sometimes means you have to chop off one of their limbs to do it. I promise to treat you, America, as if you were my own child (the boy, not the Princess one, she’s too lippy).
Don’t listen to what other people say. Make up your own mind. Just for once, America… look at me with your own eyes. Join me and together we can rule the Galaxy.
Brought to you by the “Vader 2012″ and “Vote Vader” campaigns.