Ever seen a Wookiee falling out of a tree?
Neither had Darth Vader, who captured this shot of a tranquilized male falling from a tree branch at the Imperial Academy. Vader, a Sith Lord and amateur photographer known for posting photographs of himself getting drunk and crying over Padmé on Instagram, got a holocall Thursday morning from his master, the Emperor, who told him that the animal had been spotted near a cluster of Stormtrooper barracks.
“Without polishing my armour, I attached my cyborg legs and ran all the way down five decks and across the Death Star,” he told the PR team.
The approximately 220kg space bear wandered through the barracks before climbing a tree. It is believed he may have become disoriented after being separated from his human life partner after a bungled and horribly clichéd attempt to rescue a Princess from the Holding Cells.
“He rested on a branch and stayed there for about two hours,” explained Grand Moff Tarkin, a Death Star spokesperson. “He was just hanging out in the tree. Probably on marijuana or planning the best way to eat a few people.”
Stormtrooper TK-621 saw the lighter side. “Climbing that tree was a Wookiee mistake. I’d never do it Solo, that’s for sure.” But there were potential up sides, he reflected. “It’s going to be all over the news tonight. If he’s smart he’ll Kashyyk in on it.”
Death Star Gundarks & Wildlife arrived to tranquilize the aggressive space bear. They used mats from a nearby recreation center to help cushion the animal’s landing because they didn’t want to clean up the mess.
“The Wookiee landed on his back,” the Grand Moff said, “in what seemed to be a perfect landing.”
Snapping the events as they happened, Darth knew he had gotten at least one perfect shot. “Today will be a day long remembered,” he remarked. “I was so excited. I was late for converting my son to the Dark Side, but it was impressive, most impressive.”
When approached for comment, Chewbacca, the Wookiee in question, would say only, “RRRrrrrrAAAaaaAAaaarrRRrrrGGgGgglllhhHHH!” then tried to tear off our arms and beat us to death with them.
Original article: PEOPLE.
