Sad news today, Sithizens. The great Maker himself, George Lucas, announced in an interview with the New York Times that he is retiring from blockbuster filmmaking and “moving away from the business, from the company, from all this kind of stuff”. Once he’s finished working on Red Tails and a possible fifth Indiana Jones film (yay?), Lucas will concentrate on making small, arthouse films.
Whilst the news of Mr. Lucas’ retirement will be treated with a myriad of reactions from tears to naked dancing around burning effigies, the PR team decided to ask the people whose opinions matter the most: George Lucas’ creations, the characters of Star Wars.
“What do you think about the news that George Lucas is retiring?”
Han Solo: I retired first.
Darth Vader (Special Edition): NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Princess Leia: George Lucas. Years ago you made some great movies called Star Wars. Now I beg you to help me in the struggle against the bad taste left in people’s mouths by the prequel movies. I regret that I am unable to convey my request to you in person, but my ship has fallen under attack, and I’m afraid my mission to bring you to our galaxy has failed. I have placed information vital to the survival of the Star Wars legacy into the memory systems of this R2 unit. They’re scripts for Episodes VII-IX, starring me. This is our most desperate hour. Help me, George Lucas. You’re my only hope.
Luke Skywalker: But I was going into Tosche Station to pick up some power converters!
DSPR: Yes, we get that and it sounds incredibly important, but how do you feel about George Lucas’ retirement?
Luke Skywalker: But I was going into Tosche–
DSPR: Just forget it.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: I feel a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of fans suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced.
Darth Maul: …
Lando Calrissian: Why, that slimy, double-crossing, no-good swindler. He’s got a lot of guts retirin’, after what he pulled with those Blu-Ray changes. [feints, laughs] But seriously.
C-3PO: Oh, dear! The possibility of Master Lucas actually retiring for good is approximately 3,720 to 1.
R2-D2: Bleep bleep bloop boo doo bee bleep boop!
Qui-Gon Jinn: Don’t centre on your anxieties, oh bearded one. Keep your concentration here and now, where it belongs. Be mindful of the living Force.
Darth Vader: I find your lack of desire to make more blockbuster films disturbing.
Jar Jar Binks: Mesa stepped in doo-doo!
DSPR: How’d you get in here?
Jar Jar Binks: Ex-squeeze me! Mesa tink dere be bombad trouble if–
DSPR: For Force sake, somebody shoot him, please!
Emperor Palpatine: Good. Goooooooood. The hate towards your critics is swelling in you now. Take your enormous personal fortune. Use it. I am unarmed. Strike me down with pointless new additions to the original trilogy. Give in to your anger. With each passing moment you make yourself more my servant.
Porkins: I’ll have five large Big Mac meals, 20 McNuggets–
DSPR: No, this isn’t–
Porkins: Four cheeseburgers, an entire roast lamb–
DSPR: That’s not what–
Porkins: Two four-litre tubs of chocolate ice cream with chocolate fudge–
DSPR: Seriously, how did you ever even get into that X-Wing in the first place?
Yoda: This one a long time have I watched. All his life has he looked away… to the future, to the horizon. To special editions. Never his mind on where he was. Hmm? What he was doing. Hmph. Adventure. Heh. Excitement. Heh. CGI. Hmph. A Director craves not these things.
Boba Fett: He’s no good to me retired.
Admiral Ackbar: It’s a trap!
DSPR: In what conceivable way could this possibly be a trap?
Admiral Ackbar: It’s a trap!
DSPR: You must have some pretty crippling anxiety issues, huh?
Haha. You said it, Chewbacca. “RRRRrrraaaAAARRrrrRRRlllLLLLggghhhhhh!!!!” indeed.
Whether you agree with the changes that George Lucas has made over the years to the original trilogy, or enjoyed the prequel trilogy or not, one thing is undeniable: we would not have had this world without George Lucas. So thank you, Mr. Lucas.