Although we’re utterly evil and enjoy nothing more than spoiling your day, we can’t handle people moaning about it. So be aware that this recap of the Doctor Who Christmas episode “The Doctor, the Widow and the Wardrobe” contains SPOILERS. And common sense.
PR companies are supposed to make life easier for their clients, but sometimes they end up doing the opposite. Ocean Marketing’s Paul Christoforo imploded yesterday under the weight of his own self-importance and was suitably punished by the internet for it. However Christoforo’s horribly ill-conceived email exchange with a customer, and then internet god Mike Krahulik of Penny Arcade, is only the most recent in a year of PR disasters so bad that there are lists devoted to the worst, and even a website made entirely for documenting PR disasters.
As the PR Company that represents a galaxy-spanning totalitarian regime that builds giant lasers and explodes planets, you might say we’re experts in the field of managing the public’s perception. So, out of the goodness of our black hearts, here are seven tips you should follow to help avoid a PR meltdown:
Let’s face it, if you work in PR, or marketing, or similar, the average person probably already thinks you’re an evil dick before your conversation begins. After all, you work for a giant corporation and get paid ridiculous amounts of money to answer emails and pretend to do Excel spreadsheets. Recognise that you’re already on the back foot with most customers, and that they’re likely contacting you because they’re annoyed at something anyway, and act accordingly.
They’re people, just like you. Probably. Sometimes they’re weird aliens wearing human skin and pretending to be human so they can infilitrate and one day destroy human society, but MOSTLY, they’re people. And just like you don’t enjoy being cursed at or spat on when you go to buy something, they won’t enjoy it either.
Unfortunately, due to the “wonders” of modern technology and social networking, the era where a giant corporation or facist space government can just squash the little people without anyone noticing has passed. All it takes to turn your snarky emails into a large unprotected exhaust port waiting to be proton torpedoed is one suitably pissed off person willing to take the time to forward your condescending/rude correspondence to a few people with connections and BOOM! Trust us, being exploded isn’t super fun.
Bottom line, you never know what your customers are truly capable of. Most of the time, if you’re dealing with them over the internet, you don’t even know who they are. Sure, you could be speaking to some snotty 18 year old farmboy whinging about why he didn’t get his power converters in time, but you could just as easily be dealing with an influential blogger/Tweeter, or a pissed off Sith Lord with the power to Force choke you with his mind. Always err on the side of caution.
[Note: This is similar to Wheaton's Law but different in one important respect -- douchebags get encased in Carbonite.]
Oh, you’re not a douchebag, are you? Take a second to think about how many people in your office say things like, “Brosef” and “Hasta mañana” instead of “See you tomorrow”, and use so many corporate buzzwords that a normal human being would prefer to shoot themselves in the face than have a conversation with them. Ah, but you’re not like them, right? Have you ever said, “Let’s do lunch”? Yep, evil douchebag. The bad news? You can’t change that. The good news? If you attempt to be civil to people and generally just dial the douchebaggery back a few notches, most customers won’t come away hating you too much.
This wasn’t even your fault in the first place, you’re COMPLETELY in the right and now your customer is being a TOTAL a-hole. It would feel so good to fire off a sarcastic email or tweet pointing out what a moron they’re being and they’d read it and be totally put in their place and you’d WIN. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Not how it works, my friends. The customer is the one with the money, and therefore the power. Your boss cares about what they think because, realistically, a monkey with an IQ-boosting hat could do your job in a heartbeat, but customer good will (and money) can’t be replaced. So be selfish. Think about how much it would suck to be out of a job, or Force choked to death for your incompetence. Email accordingly.
Of course, if you don’t find any of the above particularly helpful and wish to continue your evil ways, you could just build a gigantic superlaser. People tend to complain about you less when you can destroy their planet.
The following heartwarming Sithmas Carol was written especially for you by @GeneralVeers. Following him on Twitter will increase your daily humour quotient, your love of crushing Rebel scum and your sexual prowess. No promises on that last one.
Click ‘Play’ for the tune:
Bomb sirens ring, are you listening,
Dishing pain, helmet glistening
A beautiful sight,
We’re invading tonight,
Walkers in a winter warzoneland.
Gone away is the Falcon,
Here to stay, utter destruction
The shield is in range,
An Ion exchange,
Walkers in a winter warzoneland.
In the meadow we can hear a deadman,
It’s that creepy geezer Obi-Wan
He’ll say: Dagobah?
We’ll say: No man,
I’d rather freeze my ass off in a Tauntaun.
Later on, we’ll conspire,
As Echo Base is on fire
The Wampa’s alarmed,
Why does he only have one arm?
Walkers in a winter warzoneland.
In the meadow we can stomp on Rebels,
All snow-speeders getting tossed around
We’ll have lots of fun killing Rebels,
Until the tow cables knock us down.
Enemy one, Skywalker,
Did you hear, he kissed his sister?
No freaking way, I thought he was gay,
Walkers in a winter warzoneland.
Walkers in a winter warzoneland!
“When the galaxy is in ashes, you have my permission to die.”
We’d tell you that the frankly awesome picture above was a Star Wars/Batman mash-up inspired by the new “The Dark Knight Rises” film poster (below), but that would be utterly ridiculous, as we come from a long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away.
So, basically, you owe the Galactic Empire $1 billion, Christopher Nolan.
Awe-inspiring art by Scott Morton. View more of his work at Scott Wears Pants.
Concept by Robbie Boland.
The Galactic Empire spread the holiday fear– err, CHEER– with a special, heart warming Sithmas message for the Rebel Alliance.
Please like, share and retweet this message to ensure that it’s seen by all Rebel Scum, no matter where they’re hiding.
Have a very evil Sithmas everyone!
In an effort to begin raising money for the third (sigh) Death Star, the PR Team has placed some new t-shirt designs in our shop, based on the classic “Keep Calm and Carry On” WWII Propaganda Posters:
http://deathstarpr.spreadshirt.com/
Please note that any money you spend on buying Sithmas presents for yourself or others in our shop will go to a good cause: crushing the Rebellion once and for all.
Since time began, man has been obsessed with finding the answers to existence’s most fundamental questions: Why are we here? What’s behind that door I’ve been told very clearly not to open, ever, under any circumstances? And of course, what would happen if you gave a bunch of ninjas lightsabers and Force powers?
The answer is, obviously, “Something totally awesome.”
Until you think about the fact that the above video is pretty much a better shot, more interesting, more exciting lightsaber battle than anything seen in the Prequel trilogy.
Have a depressing weekend!
Via ToplessRobot.
Apparently in between ridding the galaxy of the Jedi menace, almost singlehandedly (well, nohandedly, if you really think about it) winning the war on terror and being the Galactic Record Holder for Extreme Planking (in lava), Darth Vader’s somehow found the time to spread a little Sithmas fear– errr… cheer this festive season. No, not by Force choking Ewoks to death en masse – that was last year! By leading a Christmas choir Flash Mob, of course.
Thanks to Jeremy Atherton for the tip via email.
With six biographical feature films, a TV series, numerous books, comics and a swathe of merchandising, Darth Vader’s past has been well documented. But what of his present? What became of everybody’s favourite Dark Lord of the Sith after his alleged death at the end of Return of the Jedi?
The PR Team sit down for an exclusive interview with one of Twitter’s most consistently impressive Tweeters, @DepressedDarth, to find out.
DSPR: Let’s start by addressing the Hutt in the room. A lot of people think they saw you die on the second Death Star, yet here you are, living on Earth. What happened?
DD: Who said I was on earth? Due to certain so-called “War Crimes” I’ve committed, I’d rather not give up my location. Let’s just say I’m not living as comfortably as Osama Bin Laden was before his death.
Here in the Galactic Empire, we’re not ashamed to admit that we’re Sith Lords, but you don’t need to be killing Jedi and assorted other Rebel Scum every workday to know there’s something wrong in this galaxy when cocky drug smugglers and bipedal killer bears can serve openly in the Rebellion but our kids can’t openly celebrate Sithmas or pray to the Emperor in school. As an oppressive intergalactic totalitarian regime, we’ll end Obi-Wan’s war on our religion. And we’ll fight against liberal attacks on our religious heritage by pre-emptively destroying liberal worlds where people believe in made up stuff like “equality” and “freedom from prejudice”. The Dark Side made the galaxy strong. It can make her strong again. We’re the Death Star PR Team and we approve this message.
Video brought to you by Sneaky Zebra.