It’s common knowledge throughout the Galaxy that the Jedi are complete a-holes, which is why we heroically ruthlessly murdered them all in surprise attacks. Mostly from behind. From as far away as possible.
They steal children away from their parents and allow those children to participate in incredibly dangerous pod races for their own personal gain. They lie constantly about all kinds of stuff that other people MIGHT consider to be a LITTLE bit important, like the fact that those people MIGHT have a father that’s still alive and/or a sister they’re weirdly attracted to.
So yes, the Jedi are a-holes, but we have to give these two guys some credit for at least being honest about it. Here’s “Jedi A-Holes Strike Back”.
You may think that just because he’s saved a few worlds/universes/realities a couple of times, the Doctor is pretty great, but the truth is that the “Mad man with a box” is really a terrible, terrible person. Here are 11 reasons why:
11. He doesn’t share
The Doctor travels around in the TARDIS, the most amazing piece of technology the universe has ever seen. Just imagine the advancements he could make in the technological development of planets across the stars if he shared even a fraction of the TARDIS’s wonders: no more overcrowding, near limitless energy and universal language translation to name a fraction of the possibilities (without even mentioning virtually instantaneous travel throughout time and space). And this doesn’t even begin to cover all of the knowledge he has rattling around inside that giant brain of his.
10. He’s an arrogant bastard
Genius doesn’t quite cover it. The Doctor’s probably the smartest man in the universe. How do we know? Because he’s constantly telling everybody. There’s nothing wrong with being smart (particularly when you harness it for productive things like orchestrating a giant space war so that you can take over a galaxy or two), but you don’t have to Time lord it over everyone all the time. Plus, he always speaks in impossible to understand technobabble, gave himself the pretentious title of “Doctor” and feels totally okay about making decisions that will effect entire planets without consulting the natives, presumably because they’re beneath him.
9. He’s a show off
Everyone knows the Doctor always saves the day. The Doctor knows exactly how he’s going to horribly murder an “evil” alien species and stop their incredibly complicated plot to destroy Earth three minutes after he meets them, but does he ever stop to tell his friends about it? Of course not. He keeps them guessing right up until the moment he turns the reality bomb off at the switch with two seconds to go. Sure, he COULD have done it seven minutes ago and saved you a few heart attacks but where would the fun be in that?
8. He’s a vagrant
The Doctor is the universe’s most famous homeless person. “But he lives in his TARDIS!” we hear you say. Wrong. The TARDIS is a spaceship, a method of transportation designed to get you from A to B, not to be lived in forever. Just because someone lives out of the really big trunk of their really big car doesn’t mean they can call it a house. Plus…
7. He always wears the same clothes
Bow ties and fezzes may be cool, but what’s up with wearing exactly the same outfit for years at a stretch? At best, he has many versions of the same outfit (and an extremely worrying form of OCD). At worst, he has just the one, which you have to admit leads to some pretty major personal hygiene problems.
6. He’s moody
You know what’s hard? Dealing with a person who has constant mood swings. And nobody has more ups and downs and loops than the Doctor, except the rides at Disneyland. One minute he’s being charmingly eccentric, the next he’s manically weeping about being the last of his kind (get over it already! We’ve all got problems – the PR team is almost out of milk). In fact, he takes insane mood swings to a whole new level by regenerating, literally changing bodies and personalities every few years. Even more confusingly, these regenerations sometimes meet up and talk to one another. Make up your mind/s!
5. He’s a creepy old man who kidnaps people
The Doctor is always stealing people away in his TARDIS, which if you think about it, is like a space combivan: beat up on the outside, you can’t see into it, it’s somehow bigger on the inside and most of the people who get into it are never heard from ever again. Worse, he almost exclusively travels with gorgeous young ladies who are several hundred years his junior. To accurately put that creepiness into perspective, imagine your grandad always asking attractive teenage girls to go on extended holidays with him, except the girls won’t be born until the year 2897. That’s Sean Penn dating Scarlett Johansson level of disturbing.
4. He’s a public menace
Is there a bigger serial pest in the entire universe than the Doctor? Trespassing, breaking and entering, malicious damage of private property, identity theft, misrepresentation and corporate espionage are all a regular part of the Doctor’s average day. And it’s not like he’s doing these things out of some noble reason like trying to feed his poor, starving children. Oh no. Most of the time he commits these crimes because he’s bored and hey, it’s fun to violate people’s privacy, right?
3. He’s speciesist
The Doctor has no problems slaughtering aliens (or “monsters” as he calls them) wholesale (see below), but if a human horribly murders an alien, he immediately turns a blind eye, or at worst gives them his patented Heartbroken Doctor Stare™. Likewise, the Doctor goes out of his way time and time again to save humanity… at the expense of poor, misunderstood aliens who may have been trying to take over the world, or maybe just trying to borrow some sugar for their tea.
2. He’s a genocidal maniac
If wiping out entire alien races on multiple occasions isn’t enough to make you a terrible, terrible person, then nothing is. As well as openly admitting to killing his own race, the Time Lords, the Doctor has also wiped out the Vervoids and the Racnoss (to name a few), stopped the Futurekind from ever having existed and taken several shots at permanently exterminating the Daleks. More recently, he’s even encouraged the human race to follow his example by subliminally ordering them to kill the Silence wherever and whenever humanity encounters them. What a guy!
1. What has he done for you lately?
Sure, the Doctor has saved the world a few times but what has he done for you lately? Where was he when your cat Professor Mittens was run over, or you really needed to pop back in time to speak to Abraham Lincoln for a few minutes so you could pass your History exam? In fact, think about every single massively craptastic moment in your entire life. The Doctor could have hopped into in his fancy time machine and stopped all of them, but he didn’t. So basically, he hates you personally.
Imperial Employee of the Month Jay Hoff has been hard at work building the greatest LEGO Diorama in this or any other Galaxy. An impressive, most impressive 37,000 pieces of LEGO (as well as, presumably, a scary amount of time and money), including 388 mini-figurines, went into this custom commemoration of the Emperor’s arrival on the second Death Star.
This great moment in Imperial history was made in 2011 for Science Discovery Day at Berkeley Preparatory School in Tampa. It uses an Imperial Shuttle Kit with custom designed Death Star hangar.
And yes, if you look closely enough, you might be able to spot a few Clone Troopers and a cameo appearance by Darth Maul, but only because they were really there at the time. Weren’t you paying attention?
The Papier Boy has done the impossible, twice. Sort of. Firstly, he’s made papier-mâché sort of cool. Secondly, he’s delivered Earth it’s first working X-Wing. Sort of. In that it doesn’t fly, or shoot missiles at Death Star exhaust ports, but it does move and have a spinning, bleeping R2-D2 built in.
It’s actually an X-Wing Soapbox Derby Car built for the 2011 Nazareth Adult Soapbox Derby for around $75, which really gives you a strong indication of the sort of funding the Rebellion are working with these days. Here’s how it was done.
On behalf of all of us here in the Galactic Empire, we’d like to say well done, Papier Boy. Now we can definitely check the “Rebel Sympathizer” box for Earth and get the ball rolling on the whole planetary destruction thing.
In the alternative, if somebody would just build a Soapbox Derby TIE Fighter to shoot the X-Wing down, it would really help free us up to blow up other evil planets.
In our ongoing mission to bring truth and light (of the really bright green variety) to an otherwise dark galaxy, the Death Star’s PR team continue our weekly review of episodes of Star Wars: The Clone Wars.
Episode 1×02: “Rising Malevolence”
Moral: “Belief is not a matter of choice, but of conviction.”
Actual Message: “It’s okay to do disobey orders if you think your reasons are good enough.”
The Seperatists have a new secret weapon. The Jedi Council send Master PlatoonPlow Koon Button Eyes Predator Face to investigate.
Using all of his amazing Jedi precognitive and empathic powers, Master B.E.P.F. guides his ships straight into a Seperatist “trap”, which here means “floating in space a very obvious way, making sure to have a red sun in the background so as to be particularly easy to spot”.
Count Dooku and General Grievous fire the new superweapon, destroying the Republic’s fleet and forcing the survivors to employ Standard Jedi Emergency Protocol #1: When in doubt, run away and hide out!
Very perceptively, and using all of their great knowledge of the Force, the Council think everyone is dead. Skywalker’s skimpily dressed sassy Padawan Ahsoka Tano thinks there could be survivors, and she isn’t afraid to sassily tell the Council. They wisely ignore her. In classic Anakin style, he then gives her a lecture about following orders, before promptly ignoring them himself and going to investigate.
While Anakin, Ahsoka and ubiquitous droid sidekick R2-D2 search the debris for survivors, Master Plutonium and three of his clone soldier friends encounter a group of droids who just want to talk/throw them into the vacuum of space. However, Master Protein & co. have a surprise in store for the poor droids and throw themselves into space first, presumably so they can put their lives in the maximum amount of jeopardy possible.
Apparently one handy Jedi ability is the power to survive the sudden decompression, lack of oxygen and extreme cold for extended period of time without a suit or any kind of breathing apparatus.
Improbably surviving the improbable space shoot out, Master Potpourri and friends are rescued by Anakin and Ahsoka just in time to put them in more danger when Grievous returns in his flagship and superweapon, the Malevolence. It fires on them but due to some fancy flying on Anakin’s part, the Jedi narrowly escape, once again bravely fleeing another battle.
Overall, a fun episode with some excellent action, with Skywalker’s final escape from the ion cannon’s blast being a particularly high point.
Score Sheet: Jedi Deaths: 0 (but plenty of fun Clone Trooper deaths to make up for it) Death Star Superlaser Nods: 4 Darth Vader Moments: 0.5 Disgustingly Feel Good Scenes: 2