Follow the continuing adventures of Duke, the new guy, as he tries to make it in the office of an evil Empire. So, pretty much every office, anywhere.
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Words: Robbie Boland
Art: Kristian Aus
The following video is in no way related to Star Wars or the great deeds of the benevolent Galactic Empire. In fact, it may even stop a few of you from turning to the Dark Side out of happiness.
It was totally worth it.
Brought to you by the “Death Star Cares” initiative.
Incredible, angry, inebriated, Twitter’s Drunk Hulk is many things to many people but with 70,000 followers, one thing’s for sure: he’s inarguably one of the best reasons to be on Twitter. Death Star PR speaks to the tragically misunderstood loner, who, yes, occasionally has a few anger management issues, to discover the secret to his success.
DSPR: Drunk Hulk, thank you for agreeing to shout at us. A lot of superheroes have yet to embrace social media. Why did you start tweeting?
DH: DRUNK HULK BEEN DO IT FOR YEARS ON BATHROOM WALL! BUT DRUNK HULK REALIZE THAT SOME PEOPLES NO USE BATHROOM! SO DRUNK HULK THINK IT TIME REACH OUT TO NEW AUDIENCE!
Forget midi-chlorians. Being a Jedi is so easy anyone can do it. In fact, some of you may already be a Jedi and don’t even know it yet. Just follow these 10 simple steps:
(Note: Optional for most lady Jedi.)
This should be easy once you’re sporting the “bathrobe and beard” look, and even easier if you’ve already memorised the complete technical specifications of the Millenium Falcon or are the type of person who corrects people’s grammar on Twitter.
4) Tell everyone what to do. All the time.
As a Jedi, you should give people advice on everything, whether they want it or not. The key here is to be sanctimonious at all times and keep in mind that you can never be wrong because everything is right “from a certain point of view”.
(Note: Works best when paired with no. 5)
Like most religious orders, the Jedi have a strict moral code. It’s important to remember that although everyone else should live by the rules, you personally should only follow them when it’s convenient. Is cheating bad? YES. But not if you need to win at dice. Is using a Jedi mind trick to make someone do something against their will totally morally reprehensible? OF COURSE. Unless you REALLY need to get something for free off a struggling small businessalien on a backwards desert planet. Is killing people the path to the Dark Side? TOTALLY. Except if they’re bad guys.
Just about any reason will do: whether someone accidentally bumped into your friend in a bar or kind of attempted to kill you a little bit after going to the Dark Side, any time is a good time to whip out a sword and just go NUTS on some limbs. Oh, and don’t worry: it’s not against the law because you’re a Jedi. You ARE the law!
Although an out of the way cave in the desert or a hut in a swamp is best, just about any pig sty or student sharehouse will do. As a Jedi, you’re above material possessions, or interior decoration, or showers.
8) Be an underachiever.
As someone in possession of amazing magical powers that enhance your physical and mental attributes to levels most people could only dream of, the best thing you can do is to spectacularly underuse them. Sure, you could Force Run at super speed to save your friend and mentor’s life (like you did earlier in the movie), or Force Push the bad guy away from your friend while you’re patiently waiting behind your force field but why bother? You deserve some you time.
Jedi train their whole lives to avoid emotional attachments. Including friendship apparently. So although you’ll give off a wise good guy vibe, you’ll also have no problems lying to your friend about whether his father is still alive, avoid mentioning the fact that the hot chick he’s rescuing is actually his long lost sister, or even cutting off your best mate’s arms and legs and leaving him to burn alive in lava. You know, instead of saving him or sticking your lightsaber through his head and making his death mercifully swift and stuff.
You know how every time you have a party, there’s always a few people who stick around long after everyone else is gone and just completely refuse to take any of the subtle hints you’re dropping about wanting to go to bed? Well, the Jedi are like this but worse: even death can’t stop them from coming back to “watch over” you… particularly during your most intimate moments.
Note: this list also works if you replace the word “Jedi” with the word “Hipster”.
These days the business world is all about style over substance. What you do isn’t important, only how pretty you look doing it. Unfortunately, those who happen to have a horribly disfiguring facial scar or a robotic claw for a hand don’t even get a chance to prove themselves.
Supervillainry, on the other hand, welcomes those with less than aesthetically “perfect” bodies. Indeed, it’s those charming little physical imperfections that make a supervillain stand out from the crowd. And give them some excellent fuel for the “building a doomsday device” fire.
Dog? Big deal. Dining table? So passe. Swimming pool? Yawn. Supervillains aren’t bound by the traditional. While everyone else is keeping up with the Joneses, supervillains have encased them in carbonite and use them as decorative lawn fixtures. In an evil lair you can really let your imagination go wild. Want a swimming pool under a hidden floor in the lounge room filled with Gorilla/Sharks with shoulder-mounted rocket launchers, or a dining table that converts into spinning saws? Go for it!
When you can steal it from banks using your TOTALLY FUCKING AWESOME giant mole machine. ‘Nuff said.
The monologue is a supervillain’s turn to shine. With all eyes on them, the meglomaniac gets to show off their acting range and simultaneously prove just how smart they are by explaining the plan that, up until now, nobody else really understood. It doesn’t get any better than that.
a) Nothing makes a person happy like the endorphins you get from a good workout. If you think that’s pretty good, wait until you feel the amazing adrenalin rush that comes with dangling headfirst over a pool of killer sharks with rocket launcher teeth.
b) Nobody ever heard of a hero with a sub-par nemesis. Only by having a truly evil bad guy can the hero be truly good. Which means bad guys bring out the best in people.
Still not convinced? Consider taking candy from a baby. A lot of people strangely seem to consider this as stealing from a poor defenseless being for your own self-gratification, but really, it’s just being helpful: babies shouldn’t eat candy.