There is no greater Sithmas tradition than singing Sithmas carols. Well, apart from killing Jedi. And eating so much roast Ewok you might literally explode. But after that definitely comes carolling. And the most
sung because we force everyone to sing it beloved Sithmas carol of them all is “The 12 Days of Sithmas”.
Below are the lyrics for all twelve days. Learn it for next Sithmas. Or else.
Sithmas Greetings Message:
Merry Sithmas Galactic Citizens…. Oh yeah, and death to the Rebel Alliance.
And, finally, from us here at Death Star PR:
“HAVE A VERY MURDERY SITHMAS, EVERYONE!’
Get it? GET IT? *Sigh*
No doubt you’ll be surprised to hear this but … Darth Vader gets some bad press. Maybe it’s the imposing cyborg armour or the lack of witty banter when addressing subordinates in the tea room during lunch break. Some might even suggest that it’s the liberal use of his lightsaber for employee terminations, or the ability to choke someone to death with the power of his mind. [It seems like you can hardly kill anyone these days without someone getting worked up about it.]
But Darth Vader does loads of other great things you don’t hear much about: he Sithscribes to numerous magazines, he stars in strange Japanese cellphone commercials, he’s the Death Star’s reigning Jenga champion, and now you can add Imperial Orchestra Conductor to the list:
Santa Claus, Saint Nicholas, Kris Kringle, Father Christmas. For centuries, they have told children stories of this magical, bearded, sleigh-driving fat man who delivers presents to good children while they sleep. He is a legend, an icon, but what do we really know about Santa?
Some facts are indisputable: He lives in an undisclosed location in the North Pole, he has a penchant for wearing red, and he eats cookies. So far, so innocent. Or so they want us to believe.
They gloss over some of the finer details, though, avoiding the deeply disturbing aspects of the official Santa Claus story. Details so chilling that once you have read them, you may never be able to sleep on Christmas Eve, or any other night, ever again.
Submitted for your consideration:
“He knows if you’ve been sleeping, he knows if you’re awake”, i.e. he knows what EVERYONE is doing, ALL THE TIME, which means he is the world’s most successful peeping Tom. How does he do this? They say magic. We say high-tech surveillance equipment, God complex and a pathological disregard for people’s privacy.
“He knows if you’ve been bad or good… so be good. For goodness sake!” Sure, Santa gives toys to the kids he likes. But he also gives coal to the people he arbitrarily decides have been naughty. This is, no matter how you slice it, a dick move. They’re just kids, dickwad.
While everyone is asleep, he breaks in to Every. Single. House. On. Earth. Not content with violating your personal space once, he does it annually. That is a whole lot of break and enter charges.
[Note: he always makes sure you're asleep before he visits. This makes it even creepier and more stalkerish.]
They say sleigh driver. We say slave driver. It may be cold in the North Pole, but not for the elves in Santa’s toy sweatshop, who are compelled by Santa’s dark magicks to work 24 hours a day all year round. That’s right, children. The elves do not get paid. The elves do not get workplace collective bargaining agreements and OH&S reviews. The elves do not even get breaks. Except for the breaks in their tiny little bones Santa gives them if they don’t meet their toy quotas. The elves are very, very sad.
Santa Claus may love children, but he hates animals. Specifically, he hates flying reindeer most of all. He makes his team of nine reindeer pull a sleigh carrying enough presents FOR EVERY CHILD ON EARTH. Who knows how much something like that would weigh? They have to pull this sleigh ALL OVER THE WORLD. IN ONE NIGHT. IN WINTER. If there has ever been a sadder, more horrifying case of animal cruelty, we haven’t heard of it.
Finally, he is indirectly responsible for the “Santa Clause” film series, which we think you will agree, is indictment enough by itself.
So now you know the truth. And the truth is, Santa Claus is evil.
Christmas is a time when people remember that 2,000 years ago a mystical invisible old bearded guy living in the sky knocked up some lady with a magic baby in order to save mankind because a few thousand years before that an evil talking snake made some other lady eat an apple, which she wasn’t allowed to eat for some reason even though it was in her garden.
Sadly, the true meaning of whatever that probably touching and definitely 100% factual story was about has been lost to us. Now Christmas is a time when people spend more money than they have buying presents for people they don’t really know in the hope of pacifying them into going a day without making a racist/judgmental/ignorant comment that will inevitably lead to the outbreak of World War III.
Of course, there’s another option besides gifts for silencing annoying people: murder. Without further ado, here are the TEN totally justifiable reasons to kill someone this Christmas:
10. Being stuck on a queue for an hour and a half just to buy ONE THING.
9. Finding out they just sold out of the one present you hoped would fill the void in your child’s life left by your failures as a parent.
8. The fact that that no one, anywhere, is exhibiting anything even vaguely approximating “Holiday cheer”.
7. Realising that all of your beloved childhood Christmas specials are nothing more than thinly-disguised product placement.
6. Being condescendingly asked by that relative you hardly know but know you hate why you haven’t changed jobs/got a boyfriend/made something of your life yet… even though they haven’t done any of those things themself.
5. Because that “elf” at the shopping centre had to be put down for it’s own overly-psychotically-happy good.
4. Getting absolutely none of the presents you wanted. Or asked for. For the fifth year in a row.
3. Seeing the Christmas decorations go up at the local shopping centre. In September.
2. Hearing “Jingle Bells Rock” for the 472nd time.
1. Being kept awake FOR 17 STRAIGHT NIGHTS by the INCESSANT flashing of your STUPID OVERLY KEEN next door neighbour’s Christmas lights.
This delightful Sithmas carol was written by the General of the Thundering Herd AT-AT Squadron himself, General Veers. If you aren’t following him on Twitter, you’re doing it wrong.
AT-AT’s show no signs of stopping,
And the sounds of Rebel heads a’ popping,
Their will to fight is almost done,
Let ‘em Run! Let ‘em Run! Let ‘em Run!
When I finally get off this rock,
Leavin’ a glorious blaster storm,
Slip on a sock made of Ewok,
All the way, home I’ll be warm!
Oh the taun tauns are slowly dying,
And soon, Vader and I’ll be high-fiving,
An Admiral soon I’ll be,
Let ‘em Flee! Let ‘em Flee! Let ‘em Flee!
Twitter’s Lord Voldemort: You know him as You-Know-Who, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and the Dark Lord, but we like to think of him as “He-Who-Should-Not-Be-Blamed”; wizard of unparalleled magical ability, visionary, snake charmer, and conqueror of death itself. But what is the man behind the wand really like?
Death Star PR talks exclusively to the enigma wrapped in a mystery inside a box of secrets protected by a plethora of killing curses.
DSPR: You’ve come back from the dead (kudos) with a brand new, more streamlined, less nose-y look. Why the bold fashion statement?
LV: Well, as you know, Hollywood has a bit of a habit of bringing celebrities whose careers are dead back to life. I knew I needed a similar comeback. I tried shaving my head like Britney, but that didn’t work. I donned some crazy, drape like ensemble ala Gaga. Nothing. I was telling a whiny servant to stop being so damn nosey when all of a sudden it hit me.
DSPR: You have well over 400,000 Twitter followers now. Why do you think so many people love your off-the-cuff social commentary?
LV: Well, I like to think I have a rapport with my followers. My Twitter gives them access into, no pun intended, my chamber of secrets. Every one of my tweets is for them and is a window into my soul. Not literally, of course. It allows a one-on-one connection which is perfect for reminding them that I will crucio them into the next decade if they dare unfollow. Also, the ladies love a smooth talking badass with a, quite literally, killer tat.
DSPR: You’ve had a long, successful career in both the magic and entertainment industries, everyone knows your name (even if they’re too afraid to say it), and you have many insane…ly loyal followers. To what do you ascribe your great success?
LV: I guess you can say I’ve always had a way with tongues. I speak, people listen. Mainly because if they don’t I’d Avada Kedavra their asses faster than you could say ‘Edward Cullen was a Hufflepuff’. I also like to think of myself as the people’s malevolent dictator. I remember when I was living inside Quirrell’s head we got up to some fun hijinks. Business in the front, party in the back. That’s how I like to live my life. So what if those parties include general slaughter? You only live once. Unless you’re me, of course.
DSPR: Some people aren’t entirely convinced that you’re doing the world a favour by ridding it of all the Muggles. Are you?
LV: Who are these people? I want names! You know… to, uh, “gently and quietly” persuade them to see my line of thought. Cough. Yeah, uh. That’s it.
DSPR: There must be some great perks to being a wizard.What’s the best thing about being able to do magic?
LV: There’s only one way to describe magic and that’s: fanfuckingtastic. The other day I walked by some chick, magicked her skirt right up. That’s invigorating. I also enjoy the simple joys of turning off people’s alarm clocks and hiding only one of their socks. Plus I can fly. I. Can. Fly.
DSPR: The media has unfairly painted you as the “bad guy” for trying to kill Harry Potter. What’s the truth about Harry?
LV: I’m glad you asked this question. Just because I attacked a baby and violently slaughtered thousands, people seem to think I’m a bad guy. Listen muggles, there were probably tax collectors, phone solicitors and government officials somewhere in that hoard. Did you even think about that? No. Of course not; because you can’t see the bigger picture. As far as Harry goes, he’s a drama queen. Plain and simple. “Boo Hoo. Voldemort’s out to get me”. You know what his real issue was? He wanted more screen time and knew that I was taking away his spotlight with my natural charisma. It’s sad how some people let fame go to their head. One little incident, a BARELY noticeable scar and suddenly you’re a “muderder” and “evil”. I’m not even convinced I gave him the scar. I suspect the Potter’s simply were looking for a large cash settlement from a hard working individual. Tragic, really.
DSPR: Your ex-biographer, J.K. Rowling, has described you as a “raging psychopath, devoid of the normal responses to human suffering”. How do you respond to the haters?
LV: Oh, Rowling. She got her knickers in a twist after I turned down her advances. Listen, there are some ladies who talk to your snake and some who don’t if you know what I’m saying. After I rebuffed her things got cold. Suddenly I was the “crazy” one. Well, I’ve got 27 mysterious hang-up calls in a night and a very dodgy encounter in a restaurant bathroom to suggest otherwise. I mean; do I enjoy the pain and suffering of others? Sure. But honestly, who doesn’t? I don’t think wishing humanity’s downfall makes someone a psychopath. If anything, I’m an idealist.
DSPR: Teenagers always seem to be sticking their snotty noses in other people’s business and foiling carefully thought out plans for world domination. Do you have a message for the kids of today?
LV: Kids today need to learn to respect their elders. Be it of the wand variety or similar. They’re so preoccupied with their technology and meddling into other people’s lives in every way possible that they forget the simple fact that I could kick their whiny asses into the next century. With or without my wand. I’m very glad that I was never a teenager. I skipped right from birth to adult. You can do that when you achieve certain levels of evil.
DSPR: Everyone knows who you are but nobody knows about you. Describe the real You-Know-Who.
LV: What people don’t understand is that I do have a life apart from Potter. In fact, I have six. Or seven. I get a little hazy on the details. Anyway, I like collecting fine antiques & finding, um, creative uses for them. I used to advertise myself as a snake charmer before my number got put into some unsavoury ‘looking for’ ads and I’ve shied away from that.
DSPR: How do you unwind after a long day of killing people and making them fear for their lives for their own good?
LV: I’m a simple guy. I like to curl up with a nice glass of unicorn blood, a good spell book, my snake and plot out my next site of doom. People seem to think that I’m always angry, quite the contrary. Nothing brings me more joy than plotting mayhem and destruction. It is through chaos that we find order. I’m just the guy who brings that chaos.
DSPR: Finally, what does the future have in store for Lord Voldemort?
LV: Once I get my hands on that damn prophecy I’ll let you know. Only joking. I think you can expect a lot of sarcasm, my upcoming tell-all “Harry Potter: Putting the Horr-ible into Horcrux” and the desecration of all things sparkly in the near future.
DSPR: Lord Voldemort, it’s been a pleasure and an honour to survive a conversation with you. From the bottom of our black hearts, thank you for your time.