Forget harnessing your “true you” or undertaking a 47 Step Journey to Personal Power. Death Star PR shares the 10 best no nonsense ways to fast track your business career.
10. Suck up to your boss at every available opportunity. Free sports tickets are a good start. Unsolicited back rubs are not.
9. Develop similar interests to those in power, e.g. golf, boating, masochism.
8. Do not hesitate to sell out your friends and co-workers if it will advance your career prospects. They will forgive you/not be able to bring it up without fear of being fired once you become their superior.
7. Avoid actual loyalty to your company at all costs. If the ship ever goes down, be the first on the lifeboat.
6. Don’t be afraid to steal credit for other people’s ideas. If they were smarter, they would have already told somebody about it by now.
5. Use stair/other miscellaneous workplace “accidents” to your advantage. They can’t fight for that promotion if they’re fighting for their life in hospital!
4. If confronted with a question outside of your field of expertise (i.e. sports, Farmville, being creepy to female employees), use corporate jargon until the questioner goes away. New words work best, e.g. “Insynergization” and “Progressvitate”.
3. Spread rumours about workplace rivals, the wilder and more sexually suggestive the better. Then watch as people turn against them out of jealousy or disgust.
2. Whenever possible, get somebody else to do your work for you. This is called “delegating” and is an essential skill of upper management. You really think anybody important ever got to where they are by wasting time getting anything for themselves?
1. It’s not what you know or who you know, it’s what you know about who you know. Blackmail is the bullet train of promotion.
Final Note: If you need to buy a “Self Help” book, you are not, in actual fact, helping yourself. Now stop being such a loser and get out there and hospitalize someone!