May the 4th be with you!
Yes, Star Wars Day, May the 4th, is here once again. The day that we celebrate one of the greatest stories ever told, a story that has captured the hearts and minds and money (soooo much money) of countless fans for over thirty years. Apart from the bits with Jar Jar Binks.
But it also presents a problem for fans of the films who don’t live in a galaxy far, far away: how do you satisfactorily celebrate the occasion? Worry not humans, Death Star PR has the answer. Here are 11 easy ways you celebrate Star Wars Day.
11. Kidnap a Princess and blow up her planet
This one should be a cinch but on the off chance you don’t have easy access to a Princess and/or a planet destroying super weapon, try thinking outside the box: substitute “Princess” for “that snooty girl who lives down the street and always ignores you when you stare adoringly at her through the cafe window” and “planet” for “setting fire to her car”.
10. Tell Luke You’re His Father
This is a classic Star Wars joke that never, ever gets old. Every time you meet, speak to, or hear of someone called Luke today, tell them: “I am your father. Search your feelings, you know it to be true.” If you happen to have some kind of laser sword (or katana blade, axe, etc in a pinch) and a reactor shaft handy, the rest of this scene just writes itself.
9. Do not try
Kids, in the immortal words of Yoda, “Do, or do not. There is no try.” Really, this is just another way of saying, “Don’t bother trying”. So for today, take a load off. Chillax. If not bothering to do stuff is good enough for Yoda, it’s good enough for you too. Stuff sucks, anyway. And don’t even get us started on things.
8. Use the Force
Don’t pretend you haven’t “used the Force” to open automatic doors. Everybody has. Well today’s your chance to revel in it; really just do it continually all day long. Try and levitate everything with your mind, or Force push/pull things towards.away form you.
Also strongly encouraged: trying to Force choke annoying family members/co-workers/customers.
7. Have an Epic Lightsaber Battle
If you think about it, what makes a lightsaber battle EPIC isn’t just having a super cool laser sword that cuts through almost anything while going, “SchwmmMMM!” (which, okay, is PRETTY FRIGGING COOL), it’s the 47 minute duel across a variety of exotic, increasingly dangerous locales. Start your toy lightsaber fight in the house, take it out to the street, through the traffic, fall on to the top of a passing truck, then roll off that in to a busy factory that, if you’re lucky, will be full of molten lava. FUN!
6. Find the Droids We Were Looking For
We’ll be honest, our Stormtroopers kind of dropped the ball on Tatooine but that doesn’t mean you can’t make up for their mistakes. How, you ask? Any time today you see anything mechanical that could even in the loosest possible sense be described as a robot, point to it and exclaim, “Look! That’s the droid we were looking for!”
5. Do Jedi Mind Tricks
As much as we hate to admit it, Jedi mind tricks do work, it’s just most people don’t have the patience required to make it happen. The trick to a Jedi mind trick is this:
1) Think about what you want the other person to believe.
2) Wave your hand as you say it to them.
3) Say it another one hundred times.
[Or at least, as many times as it takes to wear the other person down and make them give up and either agree with you or go away because THEN YOU WIN.]
4. Get Cocky
Although not generally noted for his advice giving, Han did have one great tip for Luke when he said, “Great, kid. Don’t get cocky.” The utter irony of this comment coming from the galaxy’s cockiest cock makes it a must that you get cocky on Star Wars Day. Do this by saying, “I know” any time someone tells you anything, e.g.
Co-worker: ”I’m going to get lunch.”
You: ”I know.”
Co-worker: ”Probably sushi.”
You: ”I know.”
Co-worker: ”So… do you want to come, or what?”
You: ”I know.”
Co-worker: ”I’m going now.”
You: ”I know.”
3. Get your Imperial March on
We’ll let you in on a little secret. There is one, incredibly easy, surefire way to go from complete loser to total badass in under five seconds: put John William’s “Imperial March” on your mp3 player of choice, crank the volume to full, hit ‘Play’ and then stride down the corridor, street, etc. For even greater badassery, play it on a boom box and make a lackey scurry after you holding it. Cape optional.
2. Do the Ackbar!
Remember that classic movie moment in Return of the Jedi when Admiral Ackbar realises that, “IT’S A TRAP!” For today only, you are promoted to the rank of Admiral. Your primary responsibilities include: trap detection and yelling about detection of said traps. Here’s what you need to know: EVERYTHING IS A TRAP. EVERYTHING. You should, nay, must, shout, “IT’S A TRAP!” at pretty much everything that happens today.
1. Shoot First
This one’s simple: go first at absolutely everything. Think your boyfriend might want to break up with you? DROP THAT DOUCHEBAG IMMEDIATELY (even if he’s actually really kind of nice and probably wasn’t even thinking about breaking up with you yet – he would have eventually!). Normally let kindly little old ladies go in front of you on the check out line? NOT TODAY, YOU OLD BAG. This applies to waiting rooms, board games, toilet stall queues, and ESPECIALLY conversations.
Bonus: Kiss Your Sister
OF COURSE this is a trap. Rebel sickos.