Dear Sithizens,
Contrary to his alleged letter of resignation in The Daily Mash recently, Darth Vader is not, and will never, leave the Empire. We regret to inform you that you have been the victims of a cruel hoax perpetrated by the insidious Rebel Alliance. As always, it falls to us to save the galaxy by setting the record straight.
It is true, the environment within the Empire is as toxic and destructive as it has ever been, possibly even more so, which is of course something we are incredibly proud of. The extra toxicity comes from a new “work stimulus package” (the sporadic dispersal of a pain-inducing nerve toxin) we’ve introduced in under-performing sections of our slave labour camps, because those AT-ATs sure as Sith aren’t going to build themselves.
Rest assured that whilst most other galaxy-spanning totalitarian regimes may plateau in their destructiveness once they’ve blown up a city, or even a planet or two, we have categorically refused to rest on our laurels. We’re building bigger Death Stars, longer Star Destroyers, even worser Nickelback albums and many other assorted terrifying monolithic superweapons that will undoubtedly help you all sleep unsafe in the knowledge that the Empire’s tyrannical, oppressive regime will continue unchecked for centuries to come.
Have no fear, throttling and electrocuting people with their evil mind powers (and by cyborg hand), often completely undeservedly or just because they used the incorrect paper clip on a Stormtrooper helmet requisition form, remains as important as ever to Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine in their continued pursuit of excellence in the field of making people dead. Lord Vader, in particular, maintains a stringent daily Force workout regime that includes at least 26-40 long-distance throat squeezes.
Whilst it is true that some within the Empire, even those as high-ranking as Admiral, have on occasion doubted the validity of Vader’s “sorcerous ways” or his “sad devotion to ancient Jedi religions”, nine times out of ten they have changed their perspective completely of their own free will and not out of fear of death at all after a spirited discussion/Force choking session with Darth Vader himself. The other one time out of ten their lack of faith, as well as lack of air supply to the brain, has been disturbing.
Darth Vader continues to recruit only the galaxy’s best young up-and-coming go-getter candidates to our Dark Side Internship program, where they will learn the value of hard work, as well as the value of pushing unsuspecting competitors down nearby open reactor shafts. As ever, Darth Vader’s mentorship is invaluable to candidates hopeful to embark on a career of turning against their loved ones, killing a bunch of people, getting betrayed and cut to pieces and thrown into lava by their best friend, becoming an evil cyborg, killing a bunch MORE people, then ruling the galaxy.
The Galactic Empire’s leadership is as strong, if not stronger, than it has ever been. When one of your bosses is content to wear a velure robe to work and the other wears an incredibly impractical cape for no reason, you know your CEO’s are supremely confident in their own abilities.
Our three quick ways to get a seat at the Big Moff’s table?
- Execute on the firm’s “axes”, which is Galactic Empire speak for finding any kind of halfway reasonable excuse for destroying any evil planets that have recently started asking about things like, “Freedom from oppression”, or “Democracy”, or even, “Why in god’s name is that giant laser pointed at us? Oh godohgodohpleasedon’t–”
- “Hunt elephants.” In Galactic Basic: hunting Jedi. The Jedi are elephants. Because they have ivory tusks and live a very long time and long trunks and want to kill you in your sleep and eat your barbecued remains. Just like elephants.
- Find yourself in a seat, preferably in a Throne Room, overlooking a few reactor shafts for no reason, turning stupid whiny farm boys to the Dark Side.
Whilst his finest evil moments are surely yet to come, Lord Vader’s REAL proudest moments (saving the universe from the Jedi, saving Alderaan from having to watch the Twilight movies, encasing his daughter’s douchebag boyfriend in Carbonite, becoming
the world’s greatest dad, including offering his son a job in the family business AND
giving him a sweet cyborg hand) HAVE all come through hard work and unwavering dedication to being an evil badass.
As such, he remains an obvious role model to young children everywhere and his message is clear: “Work hard, never give up, and you could grow up to chop people in half with a laser sword just like me.”
In conclusion, we would like to assure you that the Galactic Empire is as devoted to killing people, aliens, planets, and particularly Ewoks, in strange and horrible ways as we have ever been. We know that you, the people, would expect no less of a galaxy-spanning totalitarian regime.
Thank you for your time,
The Galactic Empire.
P.S. If you could just come to the Dark Side and share/retweet this, that’d be great.
Thank you to all of the concerned Sithizens who brought this to our attention.
You can read Greg Smith’s original Goldman Sachs resignation letter here.
